By Tatsuya Ishida
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July 30, 2006
How do you move in a world of fog that's always changing things?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Sometimes I think I'm just a spaceship operated by a tiny team of cellular adventurers. I imagine a microscopic Captain Kirk hunkered deep down inside me, commanding his crew of neurons and hormones to boldly go where no human spaceship has gone before. To the bathroom! I hear him announce. And it's a huge production, you know, going to the bathroom. Dilithium fuel crystals, warp factor 10, "I need more power, Scotty!"--all that jazz. After all, things can go wrong. Terribly wrong. The spout might malfunction and spray urine all over the place. You never know. It's fraught with peril. Every moment, every tiny motion, every move I make is an adventure. Whenever I trip or bump into something, the crew must get jostled about, flailing this way and that, holding on to some protoplasmic console for dear life. Oh noooooooo! AHHHHHHHHHh! Until the craft stabilizes and resumes a steady course. Sometimes I can even hear the little Kirk talking. "Stardate: 2006-07-31: Crew morale low. Haven't tapped any alien ass in ages. Must... Get... Extra.... Terrestrial... Action! Mr. Sulu, chart a course to Chicktron in the outer rim of the Pussy Galaxy! Engage!"

July 23, 2006
Such a beautiful way to break my heart
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

So I'm eating my pizza right, and I come down to the crust edge and there's no fucking cheese. What a ripoff! So I call the Pizza Hut Corporation and they took care of it. Now their pizza comes with cheese injected right into the crust so I'll never have to suffer the indignity of eating the last bit of crust without any cheesy goodness. Another time, I'm eating my tortilla chips, dipping them in salsa and having a right good time. Then in my haste to load up my mouth with crunchy tortilla strip laden with zesty picante sauce, I spill salsa on my brand new shirt. Unacceptable. So I call the Tostitos Corporation and they took care of it. Now they make tortilla chips that are shaped like cups to prevent such accidents. Damn skippy. Speaking of Skippy, I was making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and I got so annoyed having to open two separate jars. I'm a busy man. I got places to go. People to meet. Shit to DO. I can't be bothered opening one jar for jelly and another for peanut butter. So I called the Skippy people and they took care of it. Now they have jelly and peanut butter in one jar. God bless America. Dance, my little corporations! Dance!.

July 16, 2006
If I was king for just one day I would give it all away
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

I'm working on a screenplay for a disaster movie where the greenhouse effect kills off the entire human race except hard core drug addicts. Turns out, their chronic narcotics consumption has inoculated them against the peculiarities of the new toxic enviroment, thus making them the sole survivors of the planetary holocaust. Junkies Inherit The Earth, I'll call it. Starring Keith Richards and Kate Moss. Crackheads, tweakers, coke fiends, speed freaks, pill poppers, stoners, freebasers, dope fiends, acid freaks, tooters, speedballers, shroomers, bingers, and geekers all emerge from hiding to breathe in delicious swaths of poisonous air, as they make their way into suburbs and business districts, stepping over corpses of "healthy" people along the way. After the looting and mass rioting dies down, Keith Richards defeats Kate Moss in a multi-substance ingest-athon, and proclaims himself King of the Drug People. He forms a new government with a two party system of "Uppers" and "Downers," drafts a Constitution guaranteeing "life, liberty, and bloody DRUGS, mate!" Eventually some people develop dangerous habits like moderation and exercise, for which they are demonized, incarcerated and shamed into rehabilitation.

July 9, 2006
Some seek stardom, then they forget Harlem
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Finally on my own! I am so stoked. After six years of people telling me how awful my website design was, I finally got around to doing something about it. It was pretty ghetto, I admit, but it did have that certain amateur porn site charm to it. I kinda liked the raggedy makeshift vibe about it. Mark my words: You'll look back on those muddled html pages with wistful fondness. Those were the days, you'll say. You'll sit back in your rocking chair and tell the grandkids: I was there before Sinfest got all fancy and legit. I was there at the beginning with his shitty little webpage made out of stones and dirt, back when there was no fancy schmancy search feature. Back in the day we had to slog through his fucked up archives for HOURS to find one strip that probably wasn't that funny anyway. And the bastard never returned a damn e-mail, posted on his own forum, or even once acknowledged another human being. It was great. But hey, all things must come to pass. And to all endings there is a new beginning. So here's to new beginnings. Thank you all so much for your continued support. xoxo

June 8, 2006
Vote for Pedro
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Many of you have already heard the bad news and have passed on your condolences, for which I am truly grateful. It's been a dark time around here, the mood often pitch black with despair. Yes. Once again I have been snubbed by People magazine's 100 Most Beautiful People List. I know. I'm just as incredulous as you. Every year I campaign so hard for inclusion in this prestigious tome and every year, nada. Nothing. Zip. I do crunches. I apply skin lotion like, almost every day. I pluck my nose hairs, brush my teeth, exfoliate my pores. What more must I DO?? Seriously. My breath is minty fresh. My armpits are fragrant. I smell fabulous. Go on, smell me. I got herbal organic cucumber mango flavor junk all over my skin. I'm a fucking tropical paradise. Toucans fly out of my ass, I'm so tropical. Sigh. Maybe it's an inner beauty thing. Maybe I need to let the inner light shine on through. Like being compassionate to others and shit like that. I don't know. Maybe I just need better hair products. Whatever, I don't even care anymore. It's just a silly magazine. Who cares? I'm so over it. I had my "Magnum" look all ready for the photo shoot, too. Damn. Life's so unfair.

May 24, 2006
I swear you're just like a pill
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

I'm thinking about starting a religion which is the exact same as Christianity, same book, same story, same rituals. Heaven, hell, sin, salvation, all that good stuff. The only difference would be that instead of the name "Jesus" I would insert the word "Dude." And instead of God it would be "Voltron." Otherwise everything else is in tact. So you got Dude of Nazareth and Voltron Our Father in Heaven. Has a certain ring to it, don't it? I can imagine a Sunday sermon about Dude in the desert being tempted by Satan. What did Dude do? He resisted! Yay! Way to go, Dude! And Genesis would read: In the beginning there was Voltron. Voltron made the earth and the heavens and on the sixth day the Lord Our Voltron created man in his own image. When he saw that it was good, Voltron rested. Moses, of course, would be known as "Beavis." I think it has potential. The Church of Dude. And Voltron. We could play team basketball against the Subgenius people and the Flying Spaghetti Monster Cult. We could form our own league. Winner gets dominion over all existence.

May 17, 2006
I intend to hold you for the longest time
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

So I'm at the laundromat, right, and I'm waiting for my clothes to dry as I scan the room, and look at all these dryers, so many clothes went into them, so many people used them. Suddenly I felt sorry for them. These poor dryers, nobody appreciates them. Not really. People just throw their clothes in, drop a couple of quarters and ignore them. They must feel so used and unacknowledged. So I turned to my dryer and silently said, "Um.. Number 6, how's it going?" It roared on, round and round, doing its thing. I just stood and watched, pressed my hand up against the glass to feel the warmth, when this Latin babe pulls up with her cart and starts putting her underwear and frilly lingerie in the dryer next to mine. Now I don't know if it was the lacy undergarments or the heat from the dryer or what, but right then and there I pop a boner. Naturally I start frantically digging in my pockets to conceal the bulge, tried thinking about Jabba the Hut or Rush Limbaugh or diahrrea, anything to halt the sudden surge of erotic energy welling up inside me. Luckily, an obnoxious family came in making a huge ruckus, snapping at their fat kids, which successfully deflated my libido. Close call. It was at that moment when I realized the purpose of ugly people: Inconvenient erection stoppers.

May 10, 2006
What is the point of rhetorical questions?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

On death. Death is a funny thing. It's like magic. We're here. Then poof. We're gone. Imagine what it was like for the first organism to experience death. The amoeba. He must've been like, "Oh shit! Oh shit! I'm... fading away! What the hell is this sensation!? Aaauughhh! Oh Amoeba God, make it stop!" And then, after a fierce protoplasmic death rattle, it's gone. Poof. Magic. Maybe his amoeba buddies gave him a proper burial, dressed him up in a little black outfit and placed him in a tiny casket. Actually, no. They all must've been freaked out. It was the First Death Of Anything Ever. They were probably like, "Dude, what happened to Fred?" as they watched his lifeless single-cell body float off in the primordial ooze, nary a trace of the jubilance and zest for life he once displayed. Maybe they thought it was cool. Maybe they were like, "Wow. Check out Fred. He's all frozen! That's so weird! I want to be dead too! I want to be dead like Fred!" Fred probably started the whole Goth thing. In his wake, he inspired countless other single-cell organisms to be sullen depressives, moping around, wearing little amoeba boots with huge buckles on them, putting on too much mascara and singing Nine Inch Nails songs. So it's all Fred's fault. Fred the Amoeba: Inventor of Goth.

April 23, 2006
How many zen masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

On subliminal messages. So I'm debating this girl on morality and she says, "It's all relative," which has the subliminal effect of making me feel like a relative, like I've known her all my life, and then she goes on about "dogmatic views" and I start scratching myself like a dog and then she mentions "catalyst for social change," and now I feel like a cat and I start grooming my hair and acting all aloof, and she says "purity and perfection are not the purpose," and it sounds like she's purring cuz all the "prrr" words and I figure she's just speaking my language because I'm a cat and all, and then she throws out something about the "horrors of the world" and this makes me feel like a whore and I start preening and posing and then she starts on about Eastern philosophy and "renunciation" and this makes me feel like a nun on Easter Sunday and I start behaving all saintly and pious and by the time it's my turn to speak I have no idea who I am and in fact am having serious identity issues, so I just agree with everything she said and run straight to the self help section of a nearby Borders.

April 23, 2006
Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

A Day in the life of Tatsuya Ishida. So I go to the 7-11 down the street and it's like 3 in the morning, nobody there, just the way I like it. I gather up a couple of drumstick icecreams, the ones with the flat swirly top. I'm into these because they put a block of chocolate at the bottom of the cone to stop the leakage. Brilliant. I support that kind of dessert technology. Anyway, I also get some Sour Cream & Onion Lay's Potato Chips, a V-8 Berry Juice thing and I'm good to go. The Indian dude rings me up, when this Armenian cat walks in and he asks for a condom. Suddenly I feel embarrassed. I actually go, "tee hee." Like a damn schoolgirl. I mean, I'm there with a bunch of junk food and this guy is purchasing a sex device. He sure as shit ain't marveling at the innovations in ice cream technology. He's thinking about getting laid. He's thinking about getting compensated. And me, I'm standing there holding my bag of goodies, as if I'm hoping to win the Golden Ticket to the Chocolate Factory... My God, what happened? When did The Dream go so horribly wrong? Sigh. But at least my drumsticks won't leak.

March 20, 2006
Don't mess with a missionary man
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Back in junior high school I used to cut my own hair. People would gently hint that it looked awful but I was too proud to even admit I did it myself. It was ridiculous. I looked like Calvin when Hobbes cut his hair. It was that bad. There were patches sticking out like weeds, bald spots peeking through, errant strands all over. I would try to gel it down, mousse it up, make some parts spikey, but it was no use. My head looked like a carpet exploded on it. Looked like a chia pet that stopped trying. People must have thought I was in some horrific accident or my barber was blind and malicious. I had serious hangups about this, and it probably had something to do with the fact that I couldn't afford a haircut. Yeah, I was just a poor boy from a poor family. Now that I'm huge and successful I go to Supercuts all the time, two, three times a week, and sometimes, not often, but every once in a while when I'm feeling really uppity, I even go to Fantastic Sam's. Please don't be jealous. I worked hard for these privileges. I can hear people gasp in amazement every time I walk into those fine establishments, and I think to myself, "Tatsuya, you've made it, baby."

March 13, 2006
Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Some speculation on Tatsuya's recent disappearance:
Offends gay mafia by wearing pink after Labor Day. Pursued cross country by an angry Elton John, Tatsuya seeks sanctuary in the Playboy Mansion.
Auditions for the "Asian guy" role in Lost. Shows up to the casting call dressed like Gilligan. Gets banned from the ABC studio lot forever.
Is stalked by Jessica Alba and Scarlett Johansson. Because women love Tatsuya. They really really do.
At long last meets his arch nemesis, the dreaded Anti-Tat. He looks just like Samuel L. Jackson from Unbreakable and calls himself Mister Ass.
His testicles finally drop. Voice changes, gets pubes, develops desires for females. Holds a press conference to announce his manhood.
Willy Wonka declares war on Sinfest Nation. A battalion of Oompa Loompas raid the Resistance compound, but the invasion quickly reaches a standstill as neither the Oompa Loompa's fabulous musical numbers nor the Resistance fighters' hilarious one liners seem to do much damage to their opponents.

March 6, 2006
George Bush hates cartoonist people
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Dear audience, let me explain. Baby please. Don't shut me out. I was... there was something I had to do. No, there isn't another audience. I'm not seeing another fanbase behind your back. How could you even think that? You're the only readership for me. I only draw for you, you know that. What? These ink stains on my collar? That's nothing. White out smudges on my boxers? Okay. I was trying out some new material for some test audiences. But they don't mean anything to me. It was just a one time thing. Entertainment, that's all it was. Meaningless entertainment. With you I make art, baby. You and me, we make fine art. What about you? You been reading other cartoonists while I was away? Who? That hack? You've been reading that impostor's work? Good lord. Did you laugh? Don't tell me you laughed. You did. Over and over and over again... He made milk shoot out your nose... You rolled on the floor. You laughed harder than you ever laughed at my... Stop. Don't tell me anymore. I'm so upset I don't know what to do with myself.

January 1, 2006
Heavenly widened roses seem to whisper to me
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And never brought to mind?
Hell yeah
If they were assholes to you and left you in the lurch when you needed them the most
Then by all means forget them
But you can't
Cuz they're all you think about And you seethe with resentment and anguish
And you plumb the depths of your emo soul
Where your every thought is:
How could you do this to meeeeeeee?
You wish there was a memory deleting service like in "Eternal Sunshine" and you'd delete that motherfucker right outta your mind
Am I right?
Huh?
Anyone?
Okay, so maybe it's just me
Fine
I can handle it
Happy new year.
Fuckers.
*sob*

December 11, 2005
I just want your extra time and your kiss
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

On legacy. There comes a time when a man seriously contemplates his place in the cosmos, his life, his work, his legacy. Did I do anything at all worth remembering? Did I live up to my potential? Did I wrestle alligators and kill the six-fingered man who murdered my father? One might think that being a webcartoonist, charged with the awesome responsibility of bringing shits and giggles to dozens of people worldwide, would erase such anxieties. Not so. Doubts and worries abound. Why do I do what I do? Do I make a difference at all? Maybe there's a kid out there at the end of his rope, on the verge of doing something terrible, whose tragic path could be averted with a well-timed pimp joke. Like Schindler, I wonder: How many lives could I have saved with one more punchline about bitches and hoes? How many lost souls, how many broken hearts, desperate for a laugh, could I reach with a shake of Monique's ass? What more could I have done? And for the love of Zeus where in the world is the six-fingered man???

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