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Halen
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 1883
Location: England
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 Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 12:00 pm Post subject: Charlie Brooker reviews Justin Timberlake's "sexy back& |
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I heart Charlie Brooker.
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Charlie Brooker
Friday September 15, 2006
The Guardian
Who the Christing hell does Justin Timberlake think he is? I've only
just heard his recent single (several weeks after every idiot in the
world ran out and bought it, it seems), and according to the lyrics,
he's bringing sexy back.That's what he says, bold as brass. "I'm
bringing sexy back," he moans, with a meerkat grin on his fizzog, like
he's in charge of the world's sexy resources, the cheeky bastard.
I mean Jesus Christ, Timberlake: sexy isn't something you can
withdraw from the market then subsequently revive, like Texan bars or
Prime Suspect. No. It's an amorphous concept which means different
things to different people. There's no regulatory body monitoring its
supply, Opec-style - and even if there was, no one would put you in
charge of it anyway, you snide, self-satisfied, stinkarsed, jigging
little stoat.
How dare he? Genuinely - HOW DARE HE? How DARE this dot-eyed,
crop-haired, fun-sized, guff-tongued, pirouetting waif-boy scamper on
to the world's airwaves and loudly proclaim to be the sole global
administrator of all things sexy? You'd think it takes massive balls
to do something like that, but given the shrill, squeaking vocals
cheeping through his ghastly little gobhole, it's safe to assume he's
got testes the size of capers. He's practically a human dog whistle,
the shrieking, high-pitched, mosquito-lunged ponce.
And wait, it gets worse. Having declared himself the Lord of All Sexy,
the lyric goes on to decry the rest of us mere mortals as being
somehow not up to scratch. And he calls us bad names while he's doing
it!
First he says "them other fuckers don't know how to act" - which
translates as "everyone in the world, with the sole exception of
myself, is a clueless fornicator". Then he threatens us, using
language so offensive it pains me to reproduce it here (and while I
apologise for any offence it may cause, I think it's important to
quote him in full, if only to bring home the full import of his
disgusting slurs). "You motherfuckers, watch how I attack," he says.
Out loud, right there, on the record.
Yeah, that's right: Justin Timberlake just called EVERYONE LISTENING
TO HIS SONG a motherfucker! It could be you, it could be me, it could
be your four-year-old nephew - he treats us all with the same
high-handed revulsion. Can you believe the nerve of this jumped-up
bitch?
Incredibly, he's not through with us yet. In the very next line, he
clearly states his intention to meddle in the private affairs of
others. "If that's your girl you'd better watch your back," he tweets.
Why, Justin? What are you going to do? Knife me in the spine and rip
her dress off in front of me? I wouldn't put anything past you by now,
you hateful, preeping maniac. Sod putting out a single - our mere
existence evidently sickens you to the bone, so why not just kick our
doors in, burn down our homes, blast us with a shotgun as we crawl
pathetically from the flames, and have done with it?
He should be jailed for saying stuff like this. Gagged and manacled
and hurled in the deepest, dankest dungeon imaginable. A cell so small
they have to snap his skeleton in half to fit him in. And the moment
the door slams shut, the whole thing should be soundproofed, sealed
and bombed into a million bits.Justin Timberlake? Justin Piss, more
like. |
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Kilgore
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 2834
Location: The Marine Corps
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| Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 12:29 pm Post subject: |
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That review is so British I can almost see it brushing biscuit crumbs off its tweed jacket after tea.
_________________
"Whatever afflicts thee, their asses I shall kick"
-Slick |
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Willem
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 6306
Location: wasteland style
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| Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 12:37 pm Post subject: |
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But it's so awesome. <3
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attitude of a street punk, only cutting selected words out of context to get onself excuse to let one's dirty mouth loose |
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kame
Joined: 11 Jul 2006
Posts: 2566
Location: Alba Nuadh
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| Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:35 pm Post subject: |
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Noone does a poison pen review like the British, period.
_________________
bi-chromaticism is the extraordinary belief that there exists only two options
each polar opposite to each other
where one is completely superior to the other. |
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Amilam
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 922
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| Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 1:44 pm Post subject: |
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Really? I thought it was pretty shrill and heavy handed. I mean who gets morally outraged at what Justin Timberlake says? A hyper effeminate whisp of a man bragging about his masculinity. He's too absurd to be threatening.
| Quote: | How dare he? Genuinely - HOW DARE HE? How DARE this dot-eyed,
crop-haired, fun-sized, guff-tongued, pirouetting waif-boy scamper on
to the world's airwaves and loudly proclaim to be the sole global
administrator of all things sexy? |
The string of adjectives is just great, but the moral righteousness just brings it down. Next time just stick with the insults and leave the moral outrage behind.
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"And then the sea was closed again, above us." |
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Halen
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 1883
Location: England
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| Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 4:29 pm Post subject: |
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| You more than missed the point. |
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Sklent
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 235
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| Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 5:17 pm Post subject: |
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| Amilam wrote: | | Really? I thought it was pretty shrill and heavy handed. I mean who gets morally outraged at what Justin Timberlake says? A hyper effeminate whisp of a man bragging about his masculinity. He's too absurd to be threatening. |
It's really quite an issue. It's got. to. stop.
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I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts. |
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Teh Digital Dragon
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 1888
Location: THE WORLD OF LARNING.
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| Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 7:15 pm Post subject: |
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Charlie Brooker is mother-fucking hilarious. His Screen Burn column is the only reason I get up on a sunday.
| Amilam wrote: | Really? I thought it was pretty shrill and heavy handed. I mean who gets morally outraged at what Justin Timberlake says? A hyper effeminate whisp of a man bragging about his masculinity. He's too absurd to be threatening.
| Quote: | How dare he? Genuinely - HOW DARE HE? How DARE this dot-eyed,
crop-haired, fun-sized, guff-tongued, pirouetting waif-boy scamper on
to the world's airwaves and loudly proclaim to be the sole global
administrator of all things sexy? |
The string of adjectives is just great, but the moral righteousness just brings it down. Next time just stick with the insults and leave the moral outrage behind. |
You misunderstand Mr Brooker. It's not that his self-righteousness isn't genuine, but it's intentionally overblown for the purposes of this thing we call humour.
_________________
"You cannot run away from a weakness; you must sometimes fight it out or perish. And if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?" |
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Amilam
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 922
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| Posted: Sun Sep 17, 2006 7:16 pm Post subject: |
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| Halen wrote: | | You more than missed the point. |
Which is?
Edit @ DD:
*scratches head.
Guess I did miss it then. Meh
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"And then the sea was closed again, above us." |
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thewaitersitsondown
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 2673
Location: The walrus was Paul
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| Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 5:55 am Post subject: |
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That song is by a MAN?!
HOLY
SHIT.
I SERIOUSLY FOR REALS thought it was a woman singing!
Also I am waiting only for the day when Timberlake's balls drop to kick him in them.
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TORTOISE RUGBY. |
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Feiticeira
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 1798
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| Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 6:04 am Post subject: |
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| Teh Digital Dragon wrote: | | You misunderstand Mr Brooker. It's not that his self-righteousness isn't genuine, but it's intentionally overblown for the purposes of this thing we call humour. |
Who is this 'we' and why do they think this is funny? It's really, really not. |
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Mizike
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 5146
Location: Iowa City
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| Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 6:18 am Post subject: |
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| thewaitersitsondown wrote: | That song is by a MAN?!
HOLY
SHIT.
I SERIOUSLY FOR REALS thought it was a woman singing!
Also I am waiting only for the day when Timberlake's balls drop to kick him in them. |
Ball-kicking is really becoming a theme with you, huh?
_________________
Scire aliquid laus est, pudor est non discere velle
"It is laudable to know something, it is disgraceful to not want to learn"
~Seneca |
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kame
Joined: 11 Jul 2006
Posts: 2566
Location: Alba Nuadh
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| Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 6:20 am Post subject: |
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It's not a theme, it's a modus operandi. 
_________________
bi-chromaticism is the extraordinary belief that there exists only two options
each polar opposite to each other
where one is completely superior to the other. |
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Halen
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 1883
Location: England
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| Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 6:22 am Post subject: |
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| Teh Digital Dragon wrote: | | Charlie Brooker is mother-fucking hilarious. His Screen Burn column is the only reason I get up on a sunday. |
Which is amazing, considering it's published on a saturday.
Actually, he's on TV now too - Charlie Brooker's Screen Wipe. It's equally brilliant. |
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Konda
Joined: 23 Aug 2006
Posts: 11
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| Posted: Mon Sep 18, 2006 7:51 am Post subject: |
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| thewaitersitsondown wrote: | That song is by a MAN?!
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"Man" is a slight overstatement. |
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welcome to the fest
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