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Sinfester Used This One Weird Trick to Sunday Playlist

 
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Usagi Miyamoto



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 2225
Location: wish you were here

PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 9:51 am    Post subject: Sinfester Used This One Weird Trick to Sunday Playlist Reply with quote

I was just a local Sinfester. I happened to stumble upon one weird trick that gave me a beautiful, lovely Sunday Playlist. It was a simple trick. It cost almost nothing. It worked instantly. It required no iTunes account and no trojan-baiting Pirate Bay visits. It made fifty-five year-old women in your area sound twenty-five. You had to hear it to believe it.

I was excited about it. I thought I had discovered something wonderful. I posted it and started sharing it. I was making friends and influencing people. The future was bright.

Then the backlash started. First some phone calls in the dead of the night with only the sound of breathing on the other end. Then a few angry emails from Pandora and Real who charged up to three hundred percent more for the music subscription equivalent of my one weird trick. Then a peleton of fixies parked outside my house at all hours packed full of Rdio and Spotify dudebros in trilbys, glaring at me. Then a rock thrown through my bay window, wrapped in an angry note written on the back of an Amazon Music receipt.

I began to live in constant fear of the MP3-shilling dudebros who hated me. My blinds were drawn at all hours. I wouldn’t leave the house. I started homeschooling my children after a record company dudebro chloroformed the gym teacher and attempted to kidnap my son in order to coerce me into giving up my one weird trick. I could hardly hear my own thoughts over the rageful screams of label executives bellowing from beneath the birch trees in my backyard.

Then one night, after carelessly leaving a second-floor window ajar, I awoke to a Google All Access dudebro standing over me, a large bottle of chemicals in his hand. “Stop sharing your one weird trick!” he demanded in a breathy shout. “Never!” I cried. “You think you can post Sunday Playlists,” he sneered, “in a just a few minutes without the expense or annoyance of a subscription?” The sickly tinge of acid crept up my nostrils. I looked him in the eye and shouted, “People like me deserve an easy way to post their favorite music without paywalls!” His face twisted into a malevolent grin and he raised the bottle, preparing to give me a lethal skin peel. I swiftly grabbed the taser hidden beneath my pillow and brandished it, exclaiming, “My affordable secret to reverse the effects of RIAA overreach cannot be stopped!” and fired two electrified barbs into his chest. As he fell to the carpet, I heard the aggravated shuffling of dudebros in the yard. I had only minutes until they would be upon me. I struck a match and dropped it into the puddle of chemicals draining from the dudebro’s bottle. Flames lapped at my heels as I grabbed my children from their beds and ran to the car. I pressed the accelerator to the floor, driving straight through the garage door as the house exploded in a deafening fireball. Recording industry dudebros stood at the bottom of the driveway, submachine guns in hand. “Down!” I shouted to my children as the dudebros fired and I sped backwards towards them. The dudebros hit my rear fender with a series of percussive crushes. My shoulder was bleeding, but it was only a flesh wound. I shifted the car into drive and peeled out down the road before the musician-stiffing dudebros left alive could get their hands on the submachine guns of their dead colleagues.

Now I live on the road and off the grid, sleeping outside, teaching my children survival skills, and hoping others will carry on the duty of spreading my one weird trick. But I will rise again. I will not be silenced. I fight on as an inspiration to all those who have stood up against the MAFIAA establishment, those who have learned how to share torrents, how to bypass ISP throttling, and how to cut their cable bills in half as a result of the legislation just passed in their area. We will change this world, one weird trick at a time.




With apologies to Mike Lacher
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Jinx



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 3638
Location: America, fuck yeah!

PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 2:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

MS MR - Hurricane
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Him



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 4190
Location: On edge

PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2013 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Doors - Break on Through (To the Other Side)
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A cigarette is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, and it leaves one unsatisfied. What more can one want? ~Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
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fritterdonut



Joined: 24 Jul 2012
Posts: 1188
Location: Hedonism

PostPosted: Mon Oct 14, 2013 2:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Billy Joel - Piano Man
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Arc Tempest



Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 4903
Location: Oregon

PostPosted: Mon Oct 14, 2013 3:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Breakfast Club - Z-Trip featuring Murs and Supernatural
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cixelsyD



Joined: 09 Oct 2010
Posts: 1360

PostPosted: Mon Oct 14, 2013 6:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

We Didn't Start The Fire, by Billy Joel
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