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When Wild Animals Attack, Again!
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timmccloud



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 633
Location: Marshall, Wisconsin

PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 12:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Other Animals Are Agin Us (MP3)
Tim Bedore - I Beat up a Squirrel with a Vanity Fair Magazine (text)


From Bob and Tom.
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Michael



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 12:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Animals and trees
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Azmoten



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 2211
Location: St. Louis

PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 2:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dro wrote:
In my first year of college, I started dating this girl. We had a sweet courtship, full of spontaneous wild daisy pickings and giggling at clouds. The day after we first had sex, we set out for a picnic to celebrate being in love. I scraped up coins from under the sofa to buy nice fixings for sandwiches and a cheap bottle of Gewürztraminer, which I thought was awfully sophisticated of me.

We sat on a blanket and sipped and nibbled, kissed and nibbled. What could be nicer? But then, we noticed a squirrel slowly making its way towards us. How cute! But why so slow? As it got closer, we saw that it was dragging behind it its giant scrotum, grossly edemic to the size of a grapefruit. It would lurch forward, then pause to drag this giant thing over whatever lump of grass it was moving past, then lurch forward again.

It was a bit of a mood breaker.


...Fantastic.

I can't stop laughing.
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Crimson_Wolf



Joined: 11 Jul 2006
Posts: 513
Location: Everywhere and nowhere

PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 7:08 pm    Post subject: Re: When Wild Animals Attack, Again! Reply with quote

Darqcyde wrote:
So I was just outside to put a full trash bag in one of the garbage cans when what do I find? A masked bandit raiding the cans. It looked up at me , about 10 feet away, and just stopped, though I wouldn't say he quite froze. I yelled and shook the bag in my hand and this caused it to slowly start to walk along the deck handrail away from me. I yelled louder and moved closer but the little fucker barely seemed threatened by me, more like mildly annoyed that I waasn't letting it get back to it's dinner. The sheer smugness of this Procyonid made me see red. Grabbing the first thing at hand, a snow shovel, I hurled it with the deadly aim of a Maasai warrior at my foe, striking it squarely in the skull and sending it tumbling off the handrail, 7 feet to the ground. I didn't hear it run away.

In case anyone cares or remembers, this isn't my first, and I'm guessing not my last, battle with this foe.


Let me tell you a fact, Raccons kill dogs much larger then themselves and dogs are much louder then you can possibly be. I'm guessing that your 'friend' really isn't all that impressed by you and if you tried to go at it (without a gun), I'm betting of the raccoon.
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Darqcyde



Joined: 11 Jul 2006
Posts: 10622
Location: A false vacuum abiding in ignorance.

PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 11:20 pm    Post subject: Re: When Wild Animals Attack, Again! Reply with quote

Crimson_Wolf wrote:
Darqcyde wrote:
So I was just outside to put a full trash bag in one of the garbage cans when what do I find? A masked bandit raiding the cans. It looked up at me , about 10 feet away, and just stopped, though I wouldn't say he quite froze. I yelled and shook the bag in my hand and this caused it to slowly start to walk along the deck handrail away from me. I yelled louder and moved closer but the little fucker barely seemed threatened by me, more like mildly annoyed that I waasn't letting it get back to it's dinner. The sheer smugness of this Procyonid made me see red. Grabbing the first thing at hand, a snow shovel, I hurled it with the deadly aim of a Maasai warrior at my foe, striking it squarely in the skull and sending it tumbling off the handrail, 7 feet to the ground. I didn't hear it run away.

In case anyone cares or remembers, this isn't my first, and I'm guessing not my last, battle with this foe.


Let me tell you a fact, Raccons kill dogs much larger then themselves and dogs are much louder then you can possibly be. I'm guessing that your 'friend' really isn't all that impressed by you and if you tried to go at it (without a gun), I'm betting of the raccoon.


He hasn't been back since Razz
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Froggums



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 384
Location: Coeur d'Alene

PostPosted: Mon Oct 23, 2006 11:49 pm    Post subject: Re: When Wild Animals Attack, Again! Reply with quote

Darqcyde wrote:
He hasn't been back yet


Fixed.
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rm



Joined: 25 Jul 2006
Posts: 4073

PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 10:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Mean squirrel attacks Pa. letter carrier

OIL CITY, Pa. - Letter carriers occasionally have to deal with angry dogs or maybe even a spider's nest in a mailbox, but a mean squirrel? Barb Dougherty, a 30-year Postal Service employee, said she was attacked and bitten Monday by a squirrel while delivering mail in Oil City, about 75 miles north of Pittsburgh.

"It was a freak thing. It was traumatic," Dougherty told The Derrick in Oil City. "I saw it there on the porch, put the mail in the box and turned to walk away and it jumped on me."

The animal ran up her leg and onto her back, she said.

"I eventually got a hold of the tail and pulled it off me," Dougherty said. "No one was home at the house where I was delivering the mail, but the neighbor lady heard me screaming and came over."

An ambulance took Dougherty to the hospital, where she was treated for cuts and scratches. The squirrel was killed with a BB gun and sent to a lab to be tested for rabies. Dougherty was given the first series of rabies shots as a precaution.

Postal officials said the attack is extraordinary.

"In about 230 years of postal history, I bet it is not the first, but I've personally never heard of another squirrel biting," said Steve Kochersperger, spokesman for the Erie district.

Squirrels do not frequently bite people, said Regis Senko, who works for the Pennsylvania Game Commission.

Steve Jolley, a Postal Service manager in Oil City, said, "We are not issuing a squirrel alert, but everyone is aware of the incident."

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Snorri



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 10:31 pm    Post subject: OMG!OMG!OMG! Reply with quote

bears in the kitchenlol
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mouse



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 10:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh man - now i'm going to have to find that story about the guy fighting off a squirrel while riding a motorcycle.

squirrels are just insane.
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Lasairfiona



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 02, 2006 11:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your wish is my command.

http://www.vtwinmama.com/demonic_squirrel_riding_story.htm

I was in tears the first time I read it.

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Amilam



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 922

PostPosted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 2:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lasairfiona wrote:
Your wish is my command.

http://www.vtwinmama.com/demonic_squirrel_riding_story.htm

I was in tears the first time I read it.


Ahahaha! So damn funny. I was cracking up in my lecture, which was a bit awkward, but that was great.
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mouse



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 9:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

there seems to be something about cops and squirrels. one day, i will actually buy the cd from "this american life" with the story about the two cops who go into a house to rid it of a squirrel, just for that story.

and thanks, fiona! i need to bookmark this, for bad days when i really need a laugh.
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JohnnyStrider



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PostPosted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 9:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car…

Well then. My day has offically been made.
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Fhqwhgads



Joined: 11 Jul 2006
Posts: 1337
Location: sfcaus

PostPosted: Fri Nov 03, 2006 11:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Feiticeira wrote:
mouse wrote:
man, i knew squirrels were insane, but i didn't realize they are actually homocidal. they _are_ angry little buggers, though.


this is where mellowfish jumps in and tells us that squirrels are going to hell because homocide is against god.

NO NO, HOMOS IS A-OK! Very Happy

IT'S KILLING *BREEDERS* THAT SENDS YOU TO HELL, YOU SEE
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Crimson_Wolf



Joined: 11 Jul 2006
Posts: 513
Location: Everywhere and nowhere

PostPosted: Mon Nov 06, 2006 1:24 pm    Post subject: Re: When Wild Animals Attack, Again! Reply with quote

Darqcyde wrote:
Crimson_Wolf wrote:
Darqcyde wrote:
So I was just outside to put a full trash bag in one of the garbage cans when what do I find? A masked bandit raiding the cans. It looked up at me , about 10 feet away, and just stopped, though I wouldn't say he quite froze. I yelled and shook the bag in my hand and this caused it to slowly start to walk along the deck handrail away from me. I yelled louder and moved closer but the little fucker barely seemed threatened by me, more like mildly annoyed that I waasn't letting it get back to it's dinner. The sheer smugness of this Procyonid made me see red. Grabbing the first thing at hand, a snow shovel, I hurled it with the deadly aim of a Maasai warrior at my foe, striking it squarely in the skull and sending it tumbling off the handrail, 7 feet to the ground. I didn't hear it run away.

In case anyone cares or remembers, this isn't my first, and I'm guessing not my last, battle with this foe.


Let me tell you a fact, Raccons kill dogs much larger then themselves and dogs are much louder then you can possibly be. I'm guessing that your 'friend' really isn't all that impressed by you and if you tried to go at it (without a gun), I'm betting of the raccoon.


He hasn't been back since Razz


Probably got tired of being harrassed during meal time. Wink
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