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Advice, plz!
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lily



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 1531
Location: worcester, ma

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 12:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

relationship advice plz:

i am a couple thousand dollars in debt from having to buy a new car and pay car insurance. my boyfriend does not drive, so whenever we see each other i'm doing some amount of driving (from the train station, to his house, whatever). in fact, i really only have the car because of our semi-long distance relationship; i like having it for other reasons, but if it wasn't for him, i'd probably take it off the road and save on insurance. i have taken a spectacularly shitty job to try and pay off my debt, and am stressed out all the time, and this is starting to make me resent my boyfriend because he's a big part of the reason i'm in debt.

the resentment is definitely taking a toll on our relationship, but there's really nothing he can do about it; he's pretty broke and can't afford to help out much monetarily (he's currently trying to save up a deposit and first month's rent on a new apartment, and soon he'll be back in school, all on minimum wage). so how do i stop feeling so resentful?

i know maybe that's a stupid question and maybe the answer is 'dump him' but i kinda hoped some of you would have some magical insight.
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maniac_wolfman



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 628

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 1:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can't think of anything to say other than to think long an hard if money is truely the root of your feelings of resentment.

If money is indeed the only reason for your feelings I'd say just stick by him until this whole thing blows over and become all the more closer for having made it through.

However if there's something more to it, and you find the resentment to be that damaging and deep rooted you may need to reevaluate the relationship.
I mean, if you don't like the guy anymore...you just may not like the guy anymore. These things happen.

Only you can tell though.
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MsFrisby



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 3966
Location: a quiet little corner of crazy

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 1:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Basically, do you get more out of your relationship with your bf than your job and the car take out of you? Is it worth it when you see him? If the sacrifice makes you tense and upset, you might need to evaluate if you are doing all the giving and work in the relationship. I don't mean make him get a job, but is he making the effort to see you, nurture you, support you, keep the relationship going that you do for him?
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Major Tom



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 7562

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 2:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

and maybe, just maybe, if you talk out the money issue he might understand or would listen to the reason of finding or at least trying to find something that paid better so that he could help out...

...even if it's only a bit for gas money.

you know, to share the burden emotionally and to be part of the solution.
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Monkey Mcdermott



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 3316

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 3:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Money issues are still one of the top causes of divorce in the U.S. That and the stress they cause. You've stumbled into a harsh one Lily. Would it be cheaper to send him the money occasionally to hop a greyhound there and back?
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Xilonen



Joined: 11 Jul 2006
Posts: 465
Location: Bellingham, WA

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 3:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

lily, if he can't afford to contribute monitarilly and you're sure the root of the problems are stemming from the strain of work and paying off debt, is there anything else that he could do for you to make you feel better? cook you dinners when you visit, or do whatever it is for you that helps you relax? is he aware of the amount of stress you're under or not? do you feel like he's sympathetic to your situation?

i don't really have any advice that hasn't already been said. it'll be up to you to decide if you're gaining more from the relationship than you're sacrificing for it.
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Dro



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 3860

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 4:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm going to throw out a contrarian viewpoint, not because I necessarily believe it, but maybe it will be informative to see how you react to it.

Maybe you got the car for lots of reasons, but now that you are finding it hard to stay ahead of the payments and your job stinks, the situation makes you angry and your boyfriend is a convenient target of that anger since it pretty much doesn't have anyplace else to go. He is moderately far away, you don't get to see him much, and that sucks, and then when you do see each other it involves the car and that brings up your anger about the whole stupid situation with insurance and so it doubly sucks.

Ok. By the way, you have my sympathies. Whatever the reason, debt and crappy jobs are not fun. Also, Major Tom had good advice, I think (as did others).
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lily



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 1531
Location: worcester, ma

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 4:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Xilonen wrote:
lily, if he can't afford to contribute monitarilly and you're sure the root of the problems are stemming from the strain of work and paying off debt, is there anything else that he could do for you to make you feel better? cook you dinners when you visit, or do whatever it is for you that helps you relax?


that's a really good idea, xilo. i didn't think of the fact that money isn't the only way he could help the situation.

everyone else, your advice was really good too.

the whole balancing of whether the sacrifices i make for this relationship (there are several others) are worth what i get out of it is something i struggle with often, and i don't always come up with the same answer. i think for now the answer is that yes, it's worth it.
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Xilonen



Joined: 11 Jul 2006
Posts: 465
Location: Bellingham, WA

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 5:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

glad to help - money stuff is hard, but if he's willing to give in other ways it all evens out. Russ has corrupted me with his hippie "money is just a tool" talk, so i'm of the mindset that there are plenty of equally valuable ways to contribute to a relationship, and it doesn't have to (and shouldn't) be broken down like business expenses.

and sometimes it's hard to tell if you're getting as much out of a relationship as you're putting in, and often it will feel unequal, but i think in many cases it seems that way because you tend to think about things like that when you're particularly stressed. i doubt many of us weigh the pros and cons on days we're perfectly satisfied.
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mouse



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 17278
Location: under the bed

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2006 10:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

stupid question - is there any way you could get another job - or is the spectacularly shitty one the only way to make the bills?
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maniac_wolfman



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 628

PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 7:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay I need some puppy naming advice.

My aunt got a puppy two days ago. However she got called away to Toronto and asked me to look after him for the weekend. I'm also supposed to name him for her...and I'm drawing a blank. So advice plz!



He's a lab mutt/pitbull mutt mix. He chews absolutely everything, including my own dog's tail. Which usually results in a puppy being flung across the room.
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andrew



Joined: 13 Jul 2006
Posts: 4495
Location: the raging sea

PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 8:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

maniac_wolfman wrote:
He's a lab mutt/pitbull mutt mix. He chews absolutely everything, including my own dog's tail. Which usually results in a puppy being flung across the room.


I think you need to call him "Fling." or "Flinger."
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Major Tom



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 7562

PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 8:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

trebuchet

'treb' for short
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Sam



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 9552

PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 8:14 pm    Post subject: looktus of dog Reply with quote

Candy Bar!

wait, that's a name for scorpions. Nevermind.
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Kilgore



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 2833
Location: Portland, Or

PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2006 9:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'd name him Asskicker, cause how awesome would it be to have a dog named Asskicker?
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