Sinfest

[lily]

relationship advice plz:

i am a couple thousand dollars in debt from having to buy a new car and pay car insurance. my boyfriend does not drive, so whenever we see each other i'm doing some amount of driving (from the train station, to his house, whatever). in fact, i really only have the car because of our semi-long distance relationship; i like having it for other reasons, but if it wasn't for him, i'd probably take it off the road and save on insurance. i have taken a spectacularly shitty job to try and pay off my debt, and am stressed out all the time, and this is starting to make me resent my boyfriend because he's a big part of the reason i'm in debt.

the resentment is definitely taking a toll on our relationship, but there's really nothing he can do about it; he's pretty broke and can't afford to help out much monetarily (he's currently trying to save up a deposit and first month's rent on a new apartment, and soon he'll be back in school, all on minimum wage). so how do i stop feeling so resentful?

i know maybe that's a stupid question and maybe the answer is 'dump him' but i kinda hoped some of you would have some magical insight.

[maniac_wolfman]

I can't think of anything to say other than to think long an hard if money is truely the root of your feelings of resentment.

If money is indeed the only reason for your feelings I'd say just stick by him until this whole thing blows over and become all the more closer for having made it through.

However if there's something more to it, and you find the resentment to be that damaging and deep rooted you may need to reevaluate the relationship.
I mean, if you don't like the guy anymore...you just may not like the guy anymore. These things happen.

Only you can tell though.

[MsFrisby]

Basically, do you get more out of your relationship with your bf than your job and the car take out of you? Is it worth it when you see him? If the sacrifice makes you tense and upset, you might need to evaluate if you are doing all the giving and work in the relationship. I don't mean make him get a job, but is he making the effort to see you, nurture you, support you, keep the relationship going that you do for him?
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A person's character is their destiny.

[Major Tom]

and maybe, just maybe, if you talk out the money issue he might understand or would listen to the reason of finding or at least trying to find something that paid better so that he could help out...

...even if it's only a bit for gas money.

you know, to share the burden emotionally and to be part of the solution.

[Monkey Mcdermott]

Money issues are still one of the top causes of divorce in the U.S. That and the stress they cause. You've stumbled into a harsh one Lily. Would it be cheaper to send him the money occasionally to hop a greyhound there and back?

[Xilonen]

lily, if he can't afford to contribute monitarilly and you're sure the root of the problems are stemming from the strain of work and paying off debt, is there anything else that he could do for you to make you feel better? cook you dinners when you visit, or do whatever it is for you that helps you relax? is he aware of the amount of stress you're under or not? do you feel like he's sympathetic to your situation?

i don't really have any advice that hasn't already been said. it'll be up to you to decide if you're gaining more from the relationship than you're sacrificing for it.

[Dro]

I'm going to throw out a contrarian viewpoint, not because I necessarily believe it, but maybe it will be informative to see how you react to it.

Maybe you got the car for lots of reasons, but now that you are finding it hard to stay ahead of the payments and your job stinks, the situation makes you angry and your boyfriend is a convenient target of that anger since it pretty much doesn't have anyplace else to go. He is moderately far away, you don't get to see him much, and that sucks, and then when you do see each other it involves the car and that brings up your anger about the whole stupid situation with insurance and so it doubly sucks.

Ok. By the way, you have my sympathies. Whatever the reason, debt and crappy jobs are not fun. Also, Major Tom had good advice, I think (as did others).

[lily]

[Xilonen]

glad to help - money stuff is hard, but if he's willing to give in other ways it all evens out. Russ has corrupted me with his hippie "money is just a tool" talk, so i'm of the mindset that there are plenty of equally valuable ways to contribute to a relationship, and it doesn't have to (and shouldn't) be broken down like business expenses.

and sometimes it's hard to tell if you're getting as much out of a relationship as you're putting in, and often it will feel unequal, but i think in many cases it seems that way because you tend to think about things like that when you're particularly stressed. i doubt many of us weigh the pros and cons on days we're perfectly satisfied.

[mouse]

stupid question - is there any way you could get another job - or is the spectacularly shitty one the only way to make the bills?
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aka: neverscared!

[maniac_wolfman]

Okay I need some puppy naming advice.

My aunt got a puppy two days ago. However she got called away to Toronto and asked me to look after him for the weekend. I'm also supposed to name him for her...and I'm drawing a blank. So advice plz!



He's a lab mutt/pitbull mutt mix. He chews absolutely everything, including my own dog's tail. Which usually results in a puppy being flung across the room.

[andrew]

[Major Tom]

trebuchet

'treb' for short

[Sam]

Candy Bar!

wait, that's a name for scorpions. Nevermind.

[Kilgore]

I'd name him Asskicker, cause how awesome would it be to have a dog named Asskicker?
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"Whatever afflicts thee, their asses I shall kick"

-Slick