Life's Horrors

Finnegan · Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 3:39 am Post subject:

yeah, and while in the scope of things I wouldn't really classify it under 'bad life choices' or 'poor decision making', it certainly didn't have the beneficial outcome I was promised.
_________________
Formerly Green_Finn

hey! rock bottom's not that bad
we've got glow-in-the-dark fish down here that's rad

Mr Gary · Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 3:46 am Post subject:

Srsly, bad life decisionis a ridiculous thing. Bad life decisions is
ljalhduihau feh fuck i'm tired i'm going to bed ....
_________________

Lasairfiona · Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 3:48 am Post subject:

Snorri · Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:07 am Post subject:

Finnegan · Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:14 am Post subject:

Lasairfiona · Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:21 am Post subject:

Because you see the fun times as temporary and fleeting instead of seeing the sadness as temporary and fleeting? Because you are really close to suicide so that you see it as a release and can view life with pleasure because you know it will be over soon?

And my personal bet: Life in fact actually sucks because you have been in pain for so long and therefore have a true and legitimate reason to be depressed but you don't let that get in the way of having a good time when you can.
_________________
Before God created Las he pondered on all the aspects a woman might have, he considered which ones would look good super-inflated and which ones to leave alone.
After much deliberation he gave her a giant comfort zone. - Michael

Finnegan · Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:28 am Post subject:

I wasn't really expecting to get a serious answer there and you have to go ahead and be insightful as well. That is pretty much right out of my brain, it's the conclusion I have been circling around for a while now. What I can't figure out is what do I do about it?
_________________
Formerly Green_Finn

hey! rock bottom's not that bad
we've got glow-in-the-dark fish down here that's rad

Lasairfiona · Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:40 am Post subject:

Um, I really really don't feel qualified to answer that. I mean you have options. You could treat it like life and focus on exercise, meditation, or any other brain bending method that tickles your fancy that might help you deal and shift your focus. You could treat it like depression and find some drugs that (artificially... or not depending on how you look at chemicals) elevate your mood. You could treat it like the chronic pain disease with more options: Learn to deal with the understanding that your pain gives you limitation and you should treat those times that make you happy as the light that pulls you through life or... oh fuck I am saying this, you can consider suicide as a legitimate option.

No matter what you pick, you do have to resolve the thoughts of suicide to keep going through life. If the urge does not go away through drugs, meditation, etc, you have to look at it and decide that it isn't for you. Actually, you will have to look at it and decide it isn't for you no matter which option you choose. This may be a daily thing for a while.

I AM NOT A DOCTOR!!
_________________
Before God created Las he pondered on all the aspects a woman might have, he considered which ones would look good super-inflated and which ones to leave alone.
After much deliberation he gave her a giant comfort zone. - Michael

Finnegan · Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:48 am Post subject:

No, I get that (the doctor thing) and your suggestions are pretty much how I've kept on keeping on for the past 8 years or so. I guess I posted because I'm curious if it makes sense to anyone out there or if anyone has had a similar experience of being technically chronically depressed overall but still feeling relatively happy and in a good mood and on a day to day basis.
_________________
Formerly Green_Finn

hey! rock bottom's not that bad
we've got glow-in-the-dark fish down here that's rad

Vox Raucus · Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:56 am Post subject:

I think Dogen had a fantastic post on depression around here somewhere, with lots of good info, but I can't find it.

From my own experience (so take it for what it's worth) it was a combination of therapy, medication, physical exercise (Taijiquan, which combines exercise with meditation and mindfulness), and a vocational change. For me, dealing with depression was like a marathon - it was several months after I started implementing some of those things before I really saw any level of significant change. I am very thankful that I had a support network to encourage me and help me through those first few months (and the subsequent years it took for me to get to a better place).

But definitely see a professional if at all possible!
_________________
The cat's indifferent or he's just furious, it seems that he's never neither

Lasairfiona · Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:56 am Post subject:

Sorry, not me. I am on medication for bipolar disorder so I understand the depression thing. I understand the suicide thing. And I understand having some great experiences while not being able to remember them when in the depths of depression. Medication made my urge for suicide go away.

This is fundamentally different than what you are going through. You need to talk to people with chronic pain disorders. Or cancer. Frankly, depression is not the diagnosis, it is the symptom.
_________________
Before God created Las he pondered on all the aspects a woman might have, he considered which ones would look good super-inflated and which ones to leave alone.
After much deliberation he gave her a giant comfort zone. - Michael

Finnegan · Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 5:06 am Post subject:

yeah, I don't really feel comfortable saying I'm depressed since I'm often in a good mood, but I know enough to recognize that the symptoms of depression are clearly applicable. I have just started getting treatment for both the psychological effects of chronic pain as well as non-narcotic/ non-drug related therapies for treating said pain. Hopefully I find some success. Oh, I'm also having an occipital nerve stimulator implanted to treat the pain directly and I am on medication and therapy for the depressive components. I was just curious is anyone else had experienced the bizarre dichotomy of hopelessness/ depression/ suicide and cheerfulness/ happy good time fun
_________________
Formerly Green_Finn

hey! rock bottom's not that bad
we've got glow-in-the-dark fish down here that's rad

bitflipper · Joined: 09 Jul 2011 Posts: 728 Location: Here and Now

Dogen · Joined: 10 Jul 2006 Posts: 10609 Location: Bellingham, WA

Do you have anyone there that specializes in chronic pain? The University of Washington has an entire department devoted to chronic pain. You might want to talk to a professional about your mood. It's possible you're experiencing atypical depression, but you'd need to be screened to really know. If you don't mind my asking, what symptoms of depression are present?
_________________
"Worse comes to worst, my people come first, but my tribe lives on every country on earth. I’ll do anything to protect them from hurt, the human race is what I serve." - Baba Brinkman

Finnegan · Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 7:19 am Post subject:

I am seeing people who specialize in the treatment of the psychological effects of chronic pain as well as behavioral (non-medical) techniques to dealing with and coping with chronic pain. I am being treated psychologically and medically for depression and my major symptoms are: a hopeless outlook for the future, no sense of satisfaction or fulfillment in my life, persistent suicidal ideation - the feeling that the only and inevitable course of action in the long term is to end my life. But while all that clearly seems to be the only and inevitable solution, in the present I easily find joy in aspects of life, I'm depressed on occasion but find myself in a good mood just as often. I find pleasure and joy in doing the things I do, but see no future in continuing on as I am, no long term solution to the underlying issue. I can find the joy and pleasure and satisfaction in the moment, but beyond that I can find no meaning to what I'm doing and despite being happy in the present, it feels that I am just putting off the inevitable futility of my continued existence.

I recognize the existential dilemma I'm facing and I know that there is no easy answer. The further my depression takes me the more I see the pointlessness of everything, which in turn frees me from any material attachments which brings me to what I call a nihilistic nirvana. If I don't care about anything, then I'm truly free from any worldly attachments because no matter what happens I can always just kill myself, which if I am planning to get around to at some point anyway, truly frees me from any earthly attachment. But in this state I tend to embrace hedonism which, after several days, I tend to find myself withdrawing from one drug or another and eventually wind up back where I started.

mind you, this is the posting of a very inebriated Finn, and while this is 100% true, he would never reveal so much about himself if he were sober, so this post might vanish come morning. But that is truly where I am right now, I am "sucking the marrow" out of life right now and finding the joy of existence wherever it lies because the only other option is to give in to the inevitable, but this is by no means a sustainable lifestyle.
_________________
Formerly Green_Finn

hey! rock bottom's not that bad
we've got glow-in-the-dark fish down here that's rad