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Life's Horrors
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Finnegan



Joined: 01 May 2007
Posts: 1080
Location: in that cool mountain air, on an appalachian trail

PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 3:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

yeah, and while in the scope of things I wouldn't really classify it under 'bad life choices' or 'poor decision making', it certainly didn't have the beneficial outcome I was promised.
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hey! rock bottom's not that bad
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Mr Gary



Joined: 30 Apr 2009
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Location: Some pub in England

PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 3:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Srsly, bad life decisionis a ridiculous thing. Bad life decisions is
ljalhduihau feh fuck i'm tired i'm going to bed ....
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Lasairfiona



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
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Location: I have to be somewhere? ::runs around frantically::

PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 3:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finnegan wrote:
yeah, and while in the scope of things I wouldn't really classify it under 'bad life choices' or 'poor decision making', it certainly didn't have the beneficial outcome I was promised.

A facial and a pear necklace isn't good enough for you?!?
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Snorri



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
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Location: hiding the decline.

PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mr Gary wrote:
Srsly, bad life decisionis a ridiculous thing. Bad life decisions is
ljalhduihau feh fuck i'm tired i'm going to bed ....


yeah bad life decisions is everything Gary does.

It's coo' though. You learn from them. And if you're not Gary you won't keep stumbling upon more life decisions you can make badly.
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Finnegan



Joined: 01 May 2007
Posts: 1080
Location: in that cool mountain air, on an appalachian trail

PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Lasairfiona wrote:
Finnegan wrote:
yeah, and while in the scope of things I wouldn't really classify it under 'bad life choices' or 'poor decision making', it certainly didn't have the beneficial outcome I was promised.

A facial and a pear necklace isn't good enough for you?!?

I was going to keep this going with some comment about swallowing, but I think I'll try to be classy instead (which is why I swallowed in the first place).

Trying to be halfway serious for a moment though, I'm pretty well baffled by my life right now (or rather the mental state of my life). By all criteria I'm chronically depressed. I have been in debilitating chronic pain for nearly a decade. My life is neither satisfying nor fulfilling in any meaningful way. I have no hope in the future and honestly consider suicide as a viable solution. That being said I am in a great fucking mood. I'm usually in a pretty good mood and find joy and take pleasure in many things, usually in simple, everyday things. How can I have so little hope that suicide seems like a good idea, be so unfulfilled that I can find no meaning in my life and lack even the desire for it to continue, and yet be so god damn cheerful and happy and enjoy myself so fucking much? It makes absolutely no sense to me would love some insight.
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Lasairfiona



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
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Location: I have to be somewhere? ::runs around frantically::

PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Because you see the fun times as temporary and fleeting instead of seeing the sadness as temporary and fleeting? Because you are really close to suicide so that you see it as a release and can view life with pleasure because you know it will be over soon?

And my personal bet: Life in fact actually sucks because you have been in pain for so long and therefore have a true and legitimate reason to be depressed but you don't let that get in the way of having a good time when you can.

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Finnegan



Joined: 01 May 2007
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wasn't really expecting to get a serious answer there and you have to go ahead and be insightful as well. That is pretty much right out of my brain, it's the conclusion I have been circling around for a while now. What I can't figure out is what do I do about it?
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Lasairfiona



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Um, I really really don't feel qualified to answer that. I mean you have options. You could treat it like life and focus on exercise, meditation, or any other brain bending method that tickles your fancy that might help you deal and shift your focus. You could treat it like depression and find some drugs that (artificially... or not depending on how you look at chemicals) elevate your mood. You could treat it like the chronic pain disease with more options: Learn to deal with the understanding that your pain gives you limitation and you should treat those times that make you happy as the light that pulls you through life or... oh fuck I am saying this, you can consider suicide as a legitimate option.

No matter what you pick, you do have to resolve the thoughts of suicide to keep going through life. If the urge does not go away through drugs, meditation, etc, you have to look at it and decide that it isn't for you. Actually, you will have to look at it and decide it isn't for you no matter which option you choose. This may be a daily thing for a while.

I AM NOT A DOCTOR!!

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Finnegan



Joined: 01 May 2007
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

No, I get that (the doctor thing) and your suggestions are pretty much how I've kept on keeping on for the past 8 years or so. I guess I posted because I'm curious if it makes sense to anyone out there or if anyone has had a similar experience of being technically chronically depressed overall but still feeling relatively happy and in a good mood and on a day to day basis.
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Vox Raucus



Joined: 31 Oct 2007
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Location: At the Hundredth Meridian

PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think Dogen had a fantastic post on depression around here somewhere, with lots of good info, but I can't find it.

From my own experience (so take it for what it's worth) it was a combination of therapy, medication, physical exercise (Taijiquan, which combines exercise with meditation and mindfulness), and a vocational change. For me, dealing with depression was like a marathon - it was several months after I started implementing some of those things before I really saw any level of significant change. I am very thankful that I had a support network to encourage me and help me through those first few months (and the subsequent years it took for me to get to a better place).

But definitely see a professional if at all possible!
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Lasairfiona



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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 4:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry, not me. I am on medication for bipolar disorder so I understand the depression thing. I understand the suicide thing. And I understand having some great experiences while not being able to remember them when in the depths of depression. Medication made my urge for suicide go away.

This is fundamentally different than what you are going through. You need to talk to people with chronic pain disorders. Or cancer. Frankly, depression is not the diagnosis, it is the symptom.

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Finnegan



Joined: 01 May 2007
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Location: in that cool mountain air, on an appalachian trail

PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 5:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

yeah, I don't really feel comfortable saying I'm depressed since I'm often in a good mood, but I know enough to recognize that the symptoms of depression are clearly applicable. I have just started getting treatment for both the psychological effects of chronic pain as well as non-narcotic/ non-drug related therapies for treating said pain. Hopefully I find some success. Oh, I'm also having an occipital nerve stimulator implanted to treat the pain directly and I am on medication and therapy for the depressive components. I was just curious is anyone else had experienced the bizarre dichotomy of hopelessness/ depression/ suicide and cheerfulness/ happy good time fun
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bitflipper



Joined: 09 Jul 2011
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 5:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finnegan wrote:
I was just curious is anyone else had experienced the bizarre dichotomy of hopelessness/ depression/ suicide and cheerfulness/ happy good time fun

It's called "living in the moment," and it's the best way I've ever found to deal with chronic pain or overwhelming anguish. In the moment, you can still find the irony of life (let's face it: we struggle pretty hard to hang on to something that hurts so much, so regularly, and which is absolutely guaranteed to kill us in the end; if that's not ironic, I really don't know what is!) You can see the joke. It might hurt to laugh, but, for one who lives in the moment, laughter is often the most appropriate response.

Namaste, Finnegan.
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Dogen



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 5:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Do you have anyone there that specializes in chronic pain? The University of Washington has an entire department devoted to chronic pain. You might want to talk to a professional about your mood. It's possible you're experiencing atypical depression, but you'd need to be screened to really know. If you don't mind my asking, what symptoms of depression are present?
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Finnegan



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PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2013 7:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am seeing people who specialize in the treatment of the psychological effects of chronic pain as well as behavioral (non-medical) techniques to dealing with and coping with chronic pain. I am being treated psychologically and medically for depression and my major symptoms are: a hopeless outlook for the future, no sense of satisfaction or fulfillment in my life, persistent suicidal ideation - the feeling that the only and inevitable course of action in the long term is to end my life. But while all that clearly seems to be the only and inevitable solution, in the present I easily find joy in aspects of life, I'm depressed on occasion but find myself in a good mood just as often. I find pleasure and joy in doing the things I do, but see no future in continuing on as I am, no long term solution to the underlying issue. I can find the joy and pleasure and satisfaction in the moment, but beyond that I can find no meaning to what I'm doing and despite being happy in the present, it feels that I am just putting off the inevitable futility of my continued existence.

I recognize the existential dilemma I'm facing and I know that there is no easy answer. The further my depression takes me the more I see the pointlessness of everything, which in turn frees me from any material attachments which brings me to what I call a nihilistic nirvana. If I don't care about anything, then I'm truly free from any worldly attachments because no matter what happens I can always just kill myself, which if I am planning to get around to at some point anyway, truly frees me from any earthly attachment. But in this state I tend to embrace hedonism which, after several days, I tend to find myself withdrawing from one drug or another and eventually wind up back where I started.


mind you, this is the posting of a very inebriated Finn, and while this is 100% true, he would never reveal so much about himself if he were sober, so this post might vanish come morning. But that is truly where I am right now, I am "sucking the marrow" out of life right now and finding the joy of existence wherever it lies because the only other option is to give in to the inevitable, but this is by no means a sustainable lifestyle.
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