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Life's Horrors
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Ennis



Joined: 09 Jun 2013
Posts: 816
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2014 1:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Echo wrote:
Oh fuck.

<Gives>

I have no idea what to say. That's just so full of emotional and financial blackmail that I don't know where to start tearing it apart.

All I will say is that if he's so set on stopping you from doing anything that might let you live in a way that makes you happy, then he gives less of a damn about you than any random stranger on the internet.

It is kind of every possible thing that could be used to cripple my psyche in one letter >_> I've actually only read it once properly, I can't even look at it again without beginning to freak out so I'm just... avoiding looking at it.

Dogen wrote:
Wow, that's... that's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry Ennis.

I think what really tipped me over was I thought it was getting better... not much but just a bit? After I went through having a session with him and my psychologist. But it just seems to have made everything worse.
Samsally wrote:
I'm so sorry, Ennis.

Don't ever be afraid to message me if you need someone, I can give you other contact information, too, including phone numbers and whatever else.

Thanks for the offer Smile Like I said, I have someone I can talk to (but who is also, unfortunately, online) and they're also in the same time zone. But I might still take you up on it at some point.

Sojobo wrote:
I'm so, so sorry, Ennis. If you ever need a break, my wife and I have an extra bedroom. We're a bit out of the way in the Riverina, but you'd be welcome to it for as long as you want.

Thanks for the offer. My dad is in the Philippines and I'm mostly fine here. Well, I'm accustomed to being here anyway. I discovered that my father sent my mother a copy of that email and she was basically like "yeah, that sounds good". She hasn't said anything about it to me yet, and I haven't said anything to her. I've been trying to distance myself from her for the past month or so since I found out she showed him that informed consent form and all that shit, but she's really sensitive to it and seems to want to make sure I "still love her". And just. I don't. And I feel like I can't make it obvious that I'm pulling away, because she still makes me dinner, washes my clothes and drives me to the train station and all that kind of stuff. But then she'll come in to my room and hug me to say goodnight and "I love you" and I can't reciprocate because I can't bring myself to fake it anymore. From an outsider's perspective I must look like the most callous and selfish person, but knowing everything she's done and said behind my back I just feel like I'm being coerced into acting like nothing's wrong and I'm fine so she can feel good about herself. I still feel like I'm doing something wrong though, like I'm a sociopath who doesn't care about love or can't feel it or something. That letter also implied that I was selfish and wrong too, I don't know, part of me feels like it's true. And oddly enough, while saying "no you're not being selfish!" is kinda helpful, thinking of myself as a cool villain or anti-villain makes me feel better. It's kind of stupid, but it works.
fritterdonut wrote:
Sorry you have to deal with this Ennis. That's just... wow. And in an email, no less. Guilt tripping and financial threats, what a great way to say you love your child.

Stay strong, and remember there are tons of resources available out there if you need help in any way; including (iirc) financial resources for people who are looking for surgery/hormone treatment.

I'll have to ask the GP I'm seeing about that. I think I might be okay finances-wise, provided I can sort out my accounts so that my mother can't see my everyday account and get my youth allowance transferred directly to my account instead of hers (I think it's some weird leftover from when I was underage?). I keep putting off doing these things...

Do you think it would have been better in person? At least with email I got to cry in private and talk to a friend about it immediately. If it was in person I'd probably end up breaking down in front of him and having to put up with unhelpful "but I still love you" empty platitudes.

Yinello wrote:
Oh god Ennis, that is horrible and I agree with everyone else.

You know what, I have a fulltime job so if you need money just open some kind of Paypal funding thing and I swear I'll donate because fuck, like you need this kind of shit.

Thanks so much for the offer but like I said, I'm doing fine with money right now, even if it means walking on a tightrope because I live with my mother. Buy some animated shows and think of me haha. Oh, or save it for when I possibly open some kind of Kickstarter for an animated project/series Wink (this won't be for awhile... like, the end of next year would probably be too early for this to have happened)
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Yinello



Joined: 10 May 2012
Posts: 2760
Location: Behind you

PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2014 1:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm glad you're doing okay financially. My offer will still be there should you ever need it.
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Echo



Joined: 18 Jul 2013
Posts: 648

PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2014 2:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I... whoo, that's just so much stuff to hit you all at once, Ennis.

Personally, I'd be pointing out that all the "I love you"s are so much crap if they come attached to actions that are designed to prevent you living a life where you can be happy. And that you are not a child any more, you're old enough to make your own decisions and they need to start respecting that. And yes, the world can be a shit-horrible place for people who transition, but you know that, and were kind of hoping that your parents wouldn't be a part of making it worse.

And... you're not callous, or selfish, or unfeeling. You care about them. But it's difficult to express that when you have your own problems, and they're not supporting you at all while demanding you rearrange your life to suit them.

Then again, I'm permanently estranged from my entire family, so I'm probably not going to be offering the most sage advice in the universe.

But anyway, I'm impressed with how you're handling it so far. Stay strong, and feel free to vent anything that helps. ;-D
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 6503

PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2014 4:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

did not get the job i really wanted. i tried super hard not to get my hopes up, but i think i failed cuz i just spent the last ten minutes crying at work. (nobody appears to have noticed. probably for the best)
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Jinx



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 3639
Location: America, fuck yeah!

PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2014 6:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ennis: e-hugs

Sams: Sorry about the job. Hopefully something just as good, or better, will come along.
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Sam



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 9552

PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2014 9:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ennis, that letter from your dad to you is just heartbreaking in every sense. he can't deal. the most he can hope for with regards to his relationship to you is that ... someday he knows he needs to ask forgiveness for what he does in his blindness.

you deserve not a word of that entire letter, it's brutal. i'm so sorry.
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mouse



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 17278
Location: under the bed

PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2014 2:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i'm so sorry, ennis. but i think it is better as an email - as you say, it gives you the freedom to have the emotions you have without dealing with whatever they would try to add to the moment, and it also gives you something solid that you can dissect later, if you feel up to it.

for what it is worth - i think he is genuinely afraid for you, and he thinks he can protect you by not letting you do this frightening thing. actually, they both are - they want your life to be happy (every parent does), and what they see is you walking down a strange road that they didn't even know existed, and that they can see has dangers. this is not the road they saw you on when you were born. of course, he is a bit unrealistic to think that you were going to have the life he wanted for you in any event, because there are no guarantees that anyone is going to meet another's expectations, even if they want to (like for grandchildren - you could be a solidly heterosexual female who gets married to a nice guy and has lots of sex - still no guarantee that you will produce grandchildren). the problem for you is that he thinks you have a choice on what road you take - well, actually, you do, but the choices aren't what he thinks they are. he can't understand that the road that is so clearly (to him) the safe, easy one is not that way for you.

it doesn't excuse him doing things like guilt-tripping you about things like "think about how this hurts _us_"; i think that's a sign of how desperately frightened he is. and that's probably not going to change any time soon - maybe not ever. your parents are choosing to deal with your problems by denying they exist, and that leaves you having to rely on your own strength, by itself.

so i think you should consider his advice to become more independent, to get a job, to get out and interact with more people face-to-face, maybe even to find your own place (and _definitely_ get your money under your control). you are of an age when it is normal to do this in any event; and it looks like you are going to have to learn to stand on your own a bit earlier and more precipitously than most of us do. if it gives him confidence in your ability to handle the world, that's a side benefit; you should understand that it will never make him truly understand you, hard as that is for you. what is important is what it will do for your own confidence. because clearly you need to accept that they are not going to understand or approve of your choices. they are, indeed, life-changing choices - and it takes confidence to assess the choices you make, make them and stand by them, no matter what. and make them alone, if you have to. because ultimately it is your life, and you need to do what makes that life what _you_ want it to be, what is going to make _you_ happy - or at least what you think will give you the best shot at it (LIFE: 1 per customer, satisfaction not guaranteed).

it also sounds like a bit of physical as well as emotional distance from your parents wouldn't hurt either, if it can be managed. they need some space to re-evaluate you, and to understand what you mean to them as a person, not as a daughter or son (interesting that your father thinks of relating to you as a gendered child, not just as his child). i hope that doesn't mean you end up estranged from them, and that you can still provide emotional support for your mom, in particular, if she needs it - but ultimately that has to be their decision, too. you can't expect them to conform to what you want them to be, any more that they can expect you to conform to what they want you to be.

the internet is a strange place, full of weird people, and it is in fact easy to get lost in it - but in our own little worlds we are real people too, and many of us really care about you, for what that is worth. i wish i could offer you something more concrete.
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eureka00



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 1999
Location: Pretzel City

PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2014 4:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh Ennis, that had to be the worst thing you've ever had to read. You don't deserve that. I wish they could see you how we do because then they would see that they have a lot to be proud of. You are intelligent and well-spoken. You've gotten along quite well with all of us here, which honestly really says a lot. You seem to be pretty talented with costumes and whatnot. You could be doing a hell of a lot worse in life (doing drugs, drunk, pregnant, dating some loser).

The only thing I will say in defense of parents everywhere (since I am one) is that we can't help but have dreams for our children. There will be a grieving process, which is what I'm seeing in this email a lot...denial, scared, hurt, blaming, etc. It's similar to what I see parents go through where I work when they find out their child has special needs and will never be what they dreamed of. The Welcome to Holland poem by Emily Perl Kingsley describes it well. They may eventually come to terms, but it could be awhile.

I agree with a lot of what mouse said too. I encourage you to get out on your own and prove you are capable and independent and all those great things. Live your life the way you see fit, and maybe in a few years they will come to respect you for it and see you more as an adult than a child.
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Sam



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 9552

PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2014 8:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

yeah the whole email just loud and truly broadcasts that he's older, he's got a fixed mindset, and he just .. can't see past what he's been trained to think about gender and all that, and it's confusing and scary to him, and this becomes

i mean i don't know, i'm sad.
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ShadowCell



Joined: 03 Aug 2008
Posts: 6077
Location: California

PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2014 9:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i'm sorry you have to deal with this, Ennis.
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mouse



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 17278
Location: under the bed

PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2014 10:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

the Kingsley piece is wonderful, eure - i was going to say, all parents should memorize it, but really, we all should. life should be about appreciating what we have, not fretting over what we didn't get.

(since i already googled it, i may as well give everyone the link - it's here)
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eureka00



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 1999
Location: Pretzel City

PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2014 12:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

mouse wrote:
the Kingsley piece is wonderful, eure - i was going to say, all parents should memorize it, but really, we all should. life should be about appreciating what we have, not fretting over what we didn't get.

(since i already googled it, i may as well give everyone the link - it's here)


It is a very good read, and I haven't ever found anything better that describes it.

*edit*
Forgot to add my own horror for the day. Tornado touched down 15 miles or so south of where I live/work. Spent 45 minutes in tornado lockdown kneeling over the kiddos. Talk about an adrenaline rush. I'd rather not do that again anytime soon. Felt like I worked an entire 8 hours in 45 minutes and my back hurt something fierce from being on the hard floor. Luckily, stormed passed over us with no tornado touch downs in town.
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Last edited by eureka00 on Wed Apr 30, 2014 2:44 am; edited 1 time in total
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Dogen



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 10794
Location: Bellingham, WA

PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2014 2:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

mouse wrote:
it also sounds like a bit of physical as well as emotional distance from your parents wouldn't hurt either, if it can be managed. they need some space to re-evaluate you, and to understand what you mean to them as a person, not as a daughter or son (interesting that your father thinks of relating to you as a gendered child, not just as his child). i hope that doesn't mean you end up estranged from them, and that you can still provide emotional support for your mom, in particular, if she needs it - but ultimately that has to be their decision, too. you can't expect them to conform to what you want them to be, any more that they can expect you to conform to what they want you to be.

I think this is great advice. It may take time, and planning, but even that's good experience. The main thing is that your life should be filled with people who love and accept you. I hope that that includes your parents, but every relationship is a two-way street, and they have to release the idea that they can make you into who they want you to be and start accepting who you are. One way to fill your life with people who love you is to take control of it, so you can decide who gets to be in your space and when.
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Yinello



Joined: 10 May 2012
Posts: 2760
Location: Behind you

PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2014 7:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm glad you're okay Eureka.
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 6503

PostPosted: Wed Apr 30, 2014 4:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

so the crying-at-work thing is becoming a regular occurrence again and i'm mostly out of hours to use to leave on short notice which is just making me more upset. i can't get any vacation approved because people keep quitting or are already out on their own vacations so i have literally 100 hours of time i'm told i can use but i can't -actually- use

i don't even know why this happens other than 'probably a mental illness thing' because its not like life is suddenly five times worse than its been it's literally exactly the same (which okay i think being exactly the same for so long is definitely part of the problem). i didn't get any of the jobs i applied for but that shits been happening for like two solid years so its not like i have any right to be surprised. its just now i can barely convince myself to wake up in the morning, even on days i have off.

boss told me to call a counselor line and they 'strongly suggested' for me to go to a counselor in person. couldn't get anything scheduled til the friday after next, because of course this fucking town. the first three visits are free but after that i don't know if its something i could even afford and still hope to actually move in the future.

i don't even feel like i have the right to feel this way.
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