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The Movie Thread
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Heretical Rants



Joined: 21 Jul 2009
Posts: 4544
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 30, 2014 11:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I did a search for "Dr Horrible 2", since I heard they'd been planning on making it and I hadn't heard anything about it in a while, and all the search came up with was yet another reason for me to hate "The Avengers."

Sad day.
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TIAB



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 4:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just watched Timeline after reading and thoroughly enjoying the book. I was prepared for some creative liberties to be taken for the sake of condensing the story... what I saw made me feel like I needed to scrub my brain clean of dirt that will never wash off.

Of the five female characters in the book, two were dropped entirely, one was cast as a man, one was left mostly unchanged in terms of basic character but lost any sort of character arc, and the last was turned from a cunning pragmatist into stereotypical blank canvas arm candy, just waiting for a man to save her.

All of the interesting and intriguing details that created the actual mystery of the story were either dumbed down, removed or completely ignored. Imagine Jurassic Park without any explanation of the frog DNA, how they are breeding, no computer virus, no restarting the system, or even raptors figuring out how to solve problems. Just an hour and a half of panicked people trying to escape mindless, bloodthirsty dinosaurs. Only instead of dinosaurs, it's knights and infantry from the 14th century who all inexplicably speak perfect modern day English, despite that the language as we know it didn't fucking exist then.

They basically turned a brilliant story along the lines of Jurassic Park into a silly action movie along the lines of Superman 2, or Lethal Weapon 4. What kind of monster could do that? Oh, it was directed by Richard Donner? Huh...
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Arc Tempest



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PostPosted: Thu Feb 06, 2014 12:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Honestly, I thought most of Crichton's stuff after Airframe was kinda terrible, but the Timeline movie took it to whole new levels.

"Night arrows!"

"No! Fuck you! Not being on fire doesn't make them fucking night arrows! They're just fucking arrows!"

/Nuke the screenwriter's home from orbit
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Heretical Rants



Joined: 21 Jul 2009
Posts: 4544
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 06, 2014 2:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

AND NOW FOR A PECULIAR KIND OF INCOHERENT RAMBLINGS






A Vague Running Commentary on Disney's FROZEN
Written in Real Time as I Watch it for the First and Probably Only Time
By the Esteemed ME

It will be long and rambly.
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*opening title scene*
That's some nice use of texture! Very nice.


wow they really aren't taking any precautions against getting wet, are they
splash splash
but of course they're not going to get hypothermia (not yet, anyway)
cuz it's a cartoon

dat's some pretty CGI ice, though


okay, now they're setting the tone
LICK hahaha

curse of the magic user, eh? Eh.

very tragic

haha, dat carrot

*searches* aha!

...

wow, this song is really dragging on
I guess they're having fun with it
she's interacting with the environment in interesting ways, very dynamic
wooo, high budget 3d animation
but
I GET IT ALREADY, OKAY
you've taken like five minutes to say one thing and now you're introducing a change but there's another five minutes of anticipation
urgh


"JUST you," dohohoh! *fans*
...
oh, so she's pulling a reverse King Midas on us
unable to touch gold without turning it into ice!

...

sprightly indeed!

dem sideburns tho
woooo


awwwww

now I'm grinning like an idiot
WAIT AAAAAAA TOO FAST
...
HAH.


aaaand the jig is up!
the jig? the gig? where does that phrase come from? Illegal dancing in Ireland? A failed contract job?
Either way, this is where the story needed to go half an hour ago, and this thing hasn't even been going for 28 minutes! Huzzah!

"she would never--"
--she already has, derp
hence the contrived dragging conflict of the _first_ fifteen minutes and the entire set-up of this film

okay, so the setup was necessary. That doesn't make it any less dull. Even the fancy high-budget animation can't do that.

...

A wild theme reappears! And it isn't dragging! And more neat graphics!
you go, guuurl!

...

aaand this happens
but it isn't as scary as it should be, for a number of reasons

clunky frozen cloth! This is the first time the animation's failed in a way that pulled me out of the story. It'll probably happen at least once more, seeing as these character models are fairly doll-like.

CARROTS! YES.

and trope awareness!
THIS GUY WITH THE SLEIGH THINKS THE SAME WAY I DO
the ice guy from before
WAIT HE WAS THE KID AT THE BEGINNING
I GET IT
but of course they have to have some sort of chase
Oh! his name is krissomething
maybe I should turn the volume up

oh no

no no no
so that's where that awful snowman is from
no no no
no
oh
no
it's only going to get worse
he's starting to sing!
NO
no
nonononono



oh, good, the scene's changing

nice prince has good PR
new conflict is new!

And the ice guy krissomething likes ice! WUNDERBAR!

...
oh right
the heart
this was foreshadowed! Quite disappointing, actually. And the characters won't even know the significance of this until they get back to --

...
oh, very punny *facepalm*

...
These guys again! I like these guys!


aaaaand the course of the entire rest of the movie just became obvious. All of the pieces are in place, and their pattern of trope use and aversion is consistent. I can stop watching now! Huzzah!

The End.
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Last edited by Heretical Rants on Thu Feb 06, 2014 3:17 am; edited 1 time in total
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TIAB



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 664

PostPosted: Thu Feb 06, 2014 3:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Arc Tempest wrote:
Honestly, I thought most of Crichton's stuff after Airframe was kinda terrible, but the Timeline movie took it to whole new levels.

"Night arrows!"

"No! Fuck you! Not being on fire doesn't make them fucking night arrows! They're just fucking arrows!"

/Nuke the screenwriter's home from orbit


I was actually prepared for some... creative liberties to be taken with the story, but so many were just stupid and inexplicable, and there were so many arbitrary changes made from the very beginning. Ten minutes in and there were already a dozen changes and it just kept getting worse... so much worse.
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Heretical Rants



Joined: 21 Jul 2009
Posts: 4544
Location: No.

PostPosted: Thu Feb 06, 2014 3:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Previously on Heretical Rambles wrote:

aaaaand the course of the entire rest of the movie just became obvious. All of the pieces are in place, and their pattern of trope use and aversion is consistent. I can stop watching now! Huzzah!


...eh, I'll watch it anyway. Only a half hour-ish left, yea?

....
yup, right on course
....

pffff. Why does that ship gotta fall apart at that exact moment?
still on course, though
...

Hm. The angstsplosion had the opposite effect to what I thought it would. Same ultimate result, though.

Very sisterly. Much Disney. Wow.







....



I object! A punch to the face isn't punishment enough! ... Oh, good.


aaaaand our protagonist just ruined thousands of lives out of petty vindictiveness but this is portrayed as a positive thing, wooowww

The End (for real this time)

pretty ending credits tho

FIN.




Overall, decent enough. i guess
but I'm Never Gonna Watch it Again (tm)
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