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Wanted: To Be Wanted
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Black Kitty



Joined: 11 Jul 2006
Posts: 704
Location: Under your bed.

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 3:24 am    Post subject: Wanted: To Be Wanted Reply with quote

Alright, Sinfest. It's BK time again. Today we'll be discussing the idea of unrequited love.

It seems to be a historical standard of human existence that we tend to torture ourselves with the poisonous desire to be accepted by people who don't give two shits about us.

And I'm not just talking romance. No. There's always that group of people, regardless of age, gender or social sphere, with an uncanny knack for exclusion. If the rest of the world is anything like me, we strive and ache, somewhere deep in our chest cavities, for any sign of acknowledgement from these self-obsessed motherfuckers.

So the question arises - why do we do it to ourselves? Why, time after time, do we submit ourselves to the judgment of people who, realistically, will never treat us with the dignity or respect that any human being deserves? And, I suppose more importantly, how do we grow up and get over it?

Go.
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Sam



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 9182

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 4:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really do have trouble thinking of a situation where I fall prey to this. I certainly have plenty of requited and unrequited lust and all those associated adventures, but none of the rest of it. If someone doesn't give two fucks about me, that's pretty much where it stays. I won't give two fucks about them.

Sounds woefully idealistic, doesn't it? I'll have to dwell on it and see if there's any self-analysis blind spots present in that assessment.
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nathan



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 4:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Why? Selection pressures.

How do we get over it? The same way we get over our fear of snakes: exposure, rational assessment, and time.
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Arc Tempest



Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 4777
Location: Oregon

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 5:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I dunno.

I'm painfully familiar with the idea of unrequited romantic love, and I wish I could identify why it happens, beyond the obvious idea that an excuse to keep others at a safe distance. I would love to stop doing it.

But at the same time, I've never understood the concept of peer pressure in terms of cliques or social acceptance. I care what people think about me only when I respect who they are, what they believe, and what they do. I've never encountered a situation where someone earned my respect without my earning theirs.
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Lasairfiona



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 9702
Location: I have to be somewhere? ::runs around frantically::

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 6:07 am    Post subject: Re: Wanted: To Be Wanted Reply with quote

Black Kitty wrote:
It seems to be a historical standard of human existence that we tend to torture ourselves with the poisonous desire to be accepted by people who don't give two shits about us.

The biggest thing is when they do give a shit about you but not in the way that you would want.

Examples!
Elementary school to middle school of constant contact, up through college for intermittent contact. I wanted this guy because he was smart and a bit dangerous. My emerging bipolar symptoms may have had something to do with it, and certainly was involved with my continuing obsession, but he was super intelligent and quick on the response too and that is just sexy. Also bright blue eyes and black hair, and I am a sucker for blue eyes.

He was interested in me but never followed through on it for unknown reasons. He had issues and since I never really interacted enough with him, and/or had forgotten the content of all the emails we sent back and forth, I don't really know what his problem was. I threw myself at him and was disgustingly desperate which is probably another reason we never hooked up. Just wanting him so bad was a barrier. Distance didn't help. Distance and having a man that I love makes that guy's face fade. Nothing else did.

My dad!
My dad loves me in his way. The problem is that I want him to love me more like my mom loves me: accepting of me and all my faults and decisions. She can be upset for me, and sometimes at me, but she loves me. Mind you I have never done anything horrific (addicted to drugs, pregnant, etc) but I have been crazy enough to nearly end up on the street. If she knew, she would have taken me in regardless of how hard up she was at the time and it was only my pride that had me avoiding telling her. I would never have told my dad because there is a guilt trip or pity that comes along with it.

Over and over I must tell myself that my dad won't love me that way or I end up doing stupid shit like telling him I am having sex (at 19 while away at college) and he throws me out of the house (true story though the next day he paid my car insurance and he never followed through). He is obsessed with image and that colors everything and makes things weird whether it is me in shape or my sister being overweight because her thyroid is fucked.

Experience shared.

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Thy Brilliance



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
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Location: Relative

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 6:48 am    Post subject: can't handle someone being indifferent to him Reply with quote

Sam wrote:
I really do have trouble thinking of a situation where I fall prey to this. I certainly have plenty of requited and unrequited lust and all those associated adventures, but none of the rest of it. If someone doesn't give two fucks about me, that's pretty much where it stays. I won't give two fucks about them.

Sounds woefully idealistic, doesn't it? I'll have to dwell on it and see if there's any self-analysis blind spots present in that assessment.


You've been attacking me ever since I criticized you that one time.
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picturesofsky



Joined: 13 May 2008
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Location: England

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 8:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Better never meet him in public. His massive erection would be a real distraction.
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 6072

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 3:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All of my boyfriend's friends view me with tolerant disdain. I cannot say a single thing that is interesting to them, and when I try I will get blank stares and a very blatant "WELL, REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME..." change of subject.

One of them talks about his cats at some point, I think "Hey, they like cats, maybe they want to hear about mine." No. No they don't. They talk about zany adventures? Shit, I've got a BAJILLION retarded theatre stories. No, they don't want to hear those either. In fact, in a desperate last ditch attempt to avoid hearing another theatre story, they will bring up subjects as riveting as "that one time they moved a couch."

It took me four months to give up and start avoiding them all like the plague. I am happier for it, except they're my boyfriend's friends and I'd really like for them to not hate me.
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Mizike



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 5123
Location: Iowa City

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 3:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Samsally wrote:
One of them talks about his cats at some point, I think "Hey, they like cats, maybe they want to hear about mine." No. No they don't. They talk about zany adventures? Shit, I've got a BAJILLION retarded theatre stories. No, they don't want to hear those either. In fact, in a desperate last ditch attempt to avoid hearing another theatre story, they will bring up subjects as riveting as "that one time they moved a couch."


To be fair, couch moving stories can be hilarious.
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Unnamed?



Joined: 14 Apr 2007
Posts: 224

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 3:52 pm    Post subject: Re: can't handle someone being indifferent to him Reply with quote

Thy Brilliance wrote:


You've been attacking me ever since I criticized you that one time.


Oh look, Thy is trying to make a thread all about him again.
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picturesofsky



Joined: 13 May 2008
Posts: 3072
Location: England

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 4:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I used to be a bit like that. People will say "oh, it's not you, it's them, you're beautiful", and stuff. It's not them, it's you.

If you want people to like you, and treat you like a "normal person" or whatever the ideal is in your mind, examine every single aspect of your behaviour. Identify those parts of your behaviour that make people think you're weird - it might be something about how you look, how you stand, walk, carry yourself, the way you say things, the way you start in conversations, so on and so forth, and adjust them systematically. Don't be yourself, then you can be just as normal and boring and accepted as everyone else. You have to be brutally honest with yourself, ask people you trust if you must (but they'll lie), you have to be the judge yourself. Do you have behaviours you think are hilarious and quirky? They're not, they're weird, and that's why people don't like you. Do you make weird noises? Constantly play with your ears? Stand too close to people when you talk to them, but not realise it?

The problem is that you can't keep it up for long, it only works for casual friendships. So as people get to know you, you can gradually drop the barriers until they realise you're a total fuckup weirdo freak, but by that point you're their friend so it's toooo laaaaate.
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Oneponytoruleall



Joined: 02 Jan 2011
Posts: 3114

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 4:23 pm    Post subject: Re: Wanted: To Be Wanted Reply with quote

Basically we're just looking for someone to make us feel good about ourselves, to free us to unlock our potential, to affirm that we are important and have value. But we don't accept it if it's just handed to us by anyone. A piece of cut glass maybe be more beautiful and pleasing to the eyes than a diamond, but glass is common and the diamond is valued because it's hard to get.

We grow up in a hailstorm of negatives and don'ts and we get from this the impression we have to work, dig through tons of dirt, suffer and sacrifice to have a feeling of worth. (Even though we had it for free when we were babies.) We look for acceptance and approval from other people the way we looked for it from our parents as little children. We don't like struggling or futility though so we wish someone who has 'It' would take affectionately to us so we can have 'It,' too. Problem is those feelings aren't permanent (what feelings are?) What other people give they can take away.

How do we get over it? That's the billion dollar question, isn't it? Because there's no magic bullet. People have similar feelings, but they arise from different series of experiences, so what works for one does nothing for another.
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 6072

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 4:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mizike wrote:
Samsally wrote:
One of them talks about his cats at some point, I think "Hey, they like cats, maybe they want to hear about mine." No. No they don't. They talk about zany adventures? Shit, I've got a BAJILLION retarded theatre stories. No, they don't want to hear those either. In fact, in a desperate last ditch attempt to avoid hearing another theatre story, they will bring up subjects as riveting as "that one time they moved a couch."


To be fair, couch moving stories can be hilarious.


That was actually the extent of the story, what I just told you about it. It lacked hilarity and served as a "WE'RE DONE TALKING TO YOU NOW" sort of transfer to another conversation that was also boring and did not involve me.

And while I am aware that I can suppress the quirks that make up my personality, actual experience has taught me that it generally isn't worth it. I prefer the kind of people that take strange as an invitation to be strange themselves.
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Arc Tempest



Joined: 28 Jan 2007
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Location: Oregon

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bah, it ain't a proper couch moving story if it doesn't end with property damage and hospitalization.
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picturesofsky



Joined: 13 May 2008
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Location: England

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 4:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And this is why you fail.
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Ironically, Halen's one of the few people here I wouldn't worry about terrifying my friends and family. In my head he ends every real life conversation stroking his chin and saying, "well yes, that sounds reasonable."
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