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Wanted: To Be Wanted
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Oneponytoruleall



Joined: 02 Jan 2011
Posts: 3114

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 4:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Arc Tempest wrote:
Bah, it ain't a proper couch moving story if it doesn't end with property damage and hospitalization.


How about if it ends in property damage and desperate self-medication?
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Arc Tempest



Joined: 28 Jan 2007
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Location: Oregon

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 5:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I suppose that's a reasonable substitute.
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Celaeno



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 3029
Location: Kzoo

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 5:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Samsally wrote:
And while I am aware that I can suppress the quirks that make up my personality, actual experience has taught me that it generally isn't worth it. I prefer the kind of people that take strange as an invitation to be strange themselves.

This makes complete sense when you're choosing friends. It's definitely in your best interest to find friends who like you as you are.

That said, you're not choosing friends here. You're trying to get specific people to like you. It seems that you have two options: (a) if it's important to you that they like you, you should do what Halen says, or (b) you accept that they don't and never will (which appears to be the route that you've taken).

If these are your boyfriend's friends, it's probably important that they like you. Or that he get new friends. Or, at the very least, he tell his friends to stop being assholes to you.
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 5:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

We have something of an agreement. I'll hang out with them and act totally normal on special occasions and avoid them otherwise. Its been working pretty well so far.

So, its something of both worlds. Maybe with enough time I'll win them over, but frankly I think there are other reasons they don't like me. He doesn't go to the bars to pick up women, anymore, and one friends has said flat out he misses the 'old horndog' version. I'm pretty sure at least one of the girls is bitter she's not the one dating him now, too. At this point 'normal' will only take me so far and self preservation has kicked in full throttle.

The weird part is, he gets along just dandy with all of my friends, including the ones who are still friends with my ex as well.
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Black Kitty



Joined: 11 Jul 2006
Posts: 704
Location: Under your bed.

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 5:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Samsally wrote:
All of my boyfriend's friends view me with tolerant disdain. I cannot say a single thing that is interesting to them, and when I try I will get blank stares and a very blatant "WELL, REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME..." change of subject.

One of them talks about his cats at some point, I think "Hey, they like cats, maybe they want to hear about mine." No. No they don't. They talk about zany adventures? Shit, I've got a BAJILLION retarded theatre stories. No, they don't want to hear those either. In fact, in a desperate last ditch attempt to avoid hearing another theatre story, they will bring up subjects as riveting as "that one time they moved a couch."

It took me four months to give up and start avoiding them all like the plague. I am happier for it, except they're my boyfriend's friends and I'd really like for them to not hate me.


I'm having a similar situation with one of my best friends. He's got this new group of three girls that he hangs out with a ton, and they get along so well and with such creative energy that I can't help but be happy for him. But at the same time, only one of the three ever gives me the time of day. One girl will actually make eye contact with me when I enter a room, but then go straight back to work without so much as a smile or nod of acknowledgement.

My envy of their friendship is painful, and their exclusiveness has me back in a high school, "I suck and I wish I was as cool as you," mentality. Luckily, I've got a break from it this quarter (the three of them are all studying abroad), but I'm absolutely dreading the summer quarter when they return. How can I possibly get through to them? We have so much in common (yoga, Buddhist philosophy, enjoyment of the beach, animation) that it seems the only reason we don't get along is that they just don't, for some reason, like me. And if I decide, fuck it, I just don't like them enough to care, how can I salvage my friendship with our mutual guy friend?

I hate that people do this to each other. Why can't we all just get along? And ultimately, I hate that a group of stupid undergraduate girls has got me back into such stupid head games.
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 5:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ugh, I wish I knew what to tell you. For me it was a matter of having nothing in common, really. Everything I could think to talk about they would ignore, and everything they talked about I didn't know enough about to make a comment much past vague agreement or a question.

The fact that you have stuff in common really seems like there is something else going on. Perhaps they feel threatened or jealous for some reason? Do you know if any of them have romantic interests in your guy friend... that always messes things up. I suspect that's why the other girls, even the married one, won't usually give me the time of day. They sort of rally together over that sort of thing, even if it doesn't make sense.
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Black Kitty



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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 5:32 pm    Post subject: Re: Wanted: To Be Wanted Reply with quote

Oneponytoruleall wrote:
We look for acceptance and approval from other people the way we looked for it from our parents as little children. We don't like struggling or futility though so we wish someone who has 'It' would take affectionately to us so we can have 'It,' too. Problem is those feelings aren't permanent (what feelings are?) What other people give they can take away.


Maybe that's the key. Maybe it's a step towards adulthood that your feelings of acceptance and approval should com from within. Accept yourself, don't rely upon the acceptance of others and what not.

Maybe that's just it. I'm pretty happy with who I am - and anything I'm not happy about is within my power to fix. If that's not good enough for others, then fuck 'em. Of course, that leaves the problem - what about the best friend? And how to be civil but unaffected when I see them in the work place?
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Oneponytoruleall



Joined: 02 Jan 2011
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Black Kitty wrote:
How can I possibly get through to them? We have so much in common (yoga, Buddhist philosophy, enjoyment of the beach, animation) that it seems the only reason we don't get along is that they just don't, for some reason, like me. And if I decide, fuck it, I just don't like them enough to care, how can I salvage my friendship with our mutual guy friend?


Actually that might work. Put the shoe on their foot. They might respect you more if you're not sucking up to them and being so nice.
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picturesofsky



Joined: 13 May 2008
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 5:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You just ... uh, be civil and unaffected. You just do it. Be unaffected. It doesn't affect you.
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Black Kitty



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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 5:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Samsally wrote:
Ugh, I wish I knew what to tell you. For me it was a matter of having nothing in common, really. Everything I could think to talk about they would ignore, and everything they talked about I didn't know enough about to make a comment much past vague agreement or a question.

Ugh, that is awful. I has a sort of similar situation in a previous relationship... Ultimately, I asked my boyfriend to intervene on my behalf, but he just didn't understand and ended up doing nothing. That was kind of the end of the relationship. I realized that his choice of friends revealed aspects of him that I just couldn't live with. Have you talked to your boyfriend about the situation?

And maybe that's the thing with my current situation as well... If Nate is really okay with the way these girls act, maybe he isn't as good a friend as I had originally thought...

Quote:
The fact that you have stuff in common really seems like there is something else going on. Perhaps they feel threatened or jealous for some reason? Do you know if any of them have romantic interests in your guy friend... that always messes things up. I suspect that's why the other girls, even the married one, won't usually give me the time of day. They sort of rally together over that sort of thing, even if it doesn't make sense.

Honestly, I have no idea. Nate's gay, and I'm pretty sure they all know it, but maybe it has something to do with the fact that I was there first. Maybe they feel like they have to establish themselves as the alpha-friends in the group? I'm so in the dark about the inner workings of female society that there could be stuff going on that I'm just completely oblivious of.

Maybe they're intimidated by my work/friendships/appearance(guh)? Or maybe they don't respect me because my work isn't good enough? Every time I sit down to try to analyse the situation I get so frustrated by what a waste of time it is. That's one thing I love about guys (and why my list of girlfriends is very short) - if you have a problem with me, acknowledge it so we can fix it, damn it. It's pretty hard to find a girl who will just tell it to you like it is. Or maybe I'm just not good at reading the signs...

Fuck. Maybe I have aspergers or something.
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Black Kitty



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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 5:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oneponytoruleall wrote:
Actually that might work. Put the shoe on their foot. They might respect you more if you're not sucking up to them and being so nice.

True... I guess it's time to break out the bitch.

picturesofsky wrote:
You just ... uh, be civil and unaffected. You just do it. Be unaffected. It doesn't affect you.

Maybe that just happens once you develop the confidence-from-within thing.
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Celaeno



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 5:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Black Kitty wrote:
picturesofsky wrote:
You just ... uh, be civil and unaffected. You just do it. Be unaffected. It doesn't affect you.

Maybe that just happens once you develop the confidence-from-within thing.

Yes.
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Oneponytoruleall



Joined: 02 Jan 2011
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 5:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Celaeno wrote:
Black Kitty wrote:
picturesofsky wrote:
You just ... uh, be civil and unaffected. You just do it. Be unaffected. It doesn't affect you.

Maybe that just happens once you develop the confidence-from-within thing.

Yes.


So you're going to have to fake it.
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Arc Tempest



Joined: 28 Jan 2007
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Location: Oregon

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 6:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oneponytoruleall wrote:
So you're going to have to fake it.


Obligatory.
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Amon



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 290

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 7:05 pm    Post subject: Re: Wanted: To Be Wanted Reply with quote

Black Kitty wrote:
If the rest of the world is anything like me, we strive and ache, somewhere deep in our chest cavities, for any sign of acknowledgement from these self-obsessed motherfuckers.

...how do we grow up and get over it?


Pride, self confidence, and constantly reminding yourself that people aren't worth your time. Life is too short. If your friend is an actual good one then he'll eventually see that the other girls are being cunts, and react accordingly, but you'll have to be patient. If not, then move on.

You can give second chances down the road, but honestly thats a rare route that bears any fruit.
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