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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 6399

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 7:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Black Kitty wrote:
Have you talked to your boyfriend about the situation?

And maybe that's the thing with my current situation as well... If Nate is really okay with the way these girls act, maybe he isn't as good a friend as I had originally thought...


Yes, we've discussed it and come to our previously mentioned agreement. He seems okay with it.

Don't be too hard on your friend quite yet. Guys are notoriously oblivious to the inner workings of girls and he may not even notice you're being brushed off. In my experience, sexual orientation does not effect that, either.

While I am by no means an expert on getting along with other women, I'd definitely agree with whats been said. Try not to give them the power to make you feel shitty.
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picturesofsky



Joined: 13 May 2008
Posts: 3072
Location: England

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 7:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Celaeno wrote:
Black Kitty wrote:
picturesofsky wrote:
You just ... uh, be civil and unaffected. You just do it. Be unaffected. It doesn't affect you.

Maybe that just happens once you develop the confidence-from-within thing.

Yes.


Here's a secret: no-one is really confident. Everyone is pretending. If you pretend too, you are confident. And that's all you have to do.

Also, "breaking out the bitch" is absolutely the worst thing you can do and is destined to fail utterly.
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Ironically, Halen's one of the few people here I wouldn't worry about terrifying my friends and family. In my head he ends every real life conversation stroking his chin and saying, "well yes, that sounds reasonable."
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 6399

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 7:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Agh, so true. Try not to be mean to them. Just be unaffected by the meanness they're throwing at you.

Makes you come out looking better, yeah? It will make it way more likely for your friend to realize you're the one worth hanging out with, if it really comes down to choosing.
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Arc Tempest



Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 4895
Location: Oregon

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 7:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

picturesofsky wrote:
Here's a secret: no-one is really confident. Everyone is pretending. If you pretend too, you are confident. And that's all you have to do.


That's not entirely true, stupid people and sociopaths tend to be confident without pretending.
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The older I get, the more certain I become of one thing. True and abiding cynicism is simply a form of cowardice.
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picturesofsky



Joined: 13 May 2008
Posts: 3072
Location: England

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 7:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dude, I'm lying to make people feel better. Don't spoil it.
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Ironically, Halen's one of the few people here I wouldn't worry about terrifying my friends and family. In my head he ends every real life conversation stroking his chin and saying, "well yes, that sounds reasonable."
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Dogen



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 10693
Location: Bellingham, WA

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 10:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A few things, kind of random.

First, people are, at their most basic, pack or maybe herd animals. We disproportionately favor signs of strength, and disfavor signs of weakness. Not that being confident will make people like you, but appearing anxious and/or gravitating to them (trying to make them like you) will make you appear weak, and thus you fall down the social order. Trying too hard to make people like you is thus counterproductive.

Second, both Samsally and BK are basically making the same choice. You have two options. You can either work for them (change to be what they expect), or you can work for yourself (do what is best for you). If you drive yourself nuts worrying why certain people don't like you, you're working for them. Not everyone will like you - and chances are good you don't like everyone, either. Do you worry why you don't like some people? Probably not. If they sucked up to you would you like them more? Probably not.

Finally, emotions are weird. There are three parts to an emotional response. The eliciting stimulus, the cognitive appraisal, and the physiological change. Typically, we think about how a stimulus (RAWR! A bear!) elicits an appraisal ("Oh shit! A bear!"), and then a physiological response (adrenaline) that combine into an emotional state we call fear. The fun thing is that you can manipulate this chain at either the appraisal or physiological stages and have a dramatic effect on the emotional state. TL;DR? You can literally "fake it 'til you make it." By maintaining physiological calm, and working on how you appraise situations ("what's in this for me/what is this costing me?"), you can pretend your way to actual confidence. Eventually you're not even pretending - you're just a confident sonofabitch.
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trustedfaith



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 3366
Location: My own little world...

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 10:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think as you get older you just could care less really. I used to always want to make everyone like me -- but I am quirky too. And people thought I was weird instead of finding that fun about me. At 34 I really could care less if people think I'm weird. There's enough people that like my weird that if you don't like it go away. Smile

I think it's just an experience and time thing though. As you get older you stop worrying about what other people think about you as much.

Samsally, you're way more interesting than any of those guys and I like your weird. Don't change for anyone, be you. That's what makes you awesome. And I'll beat up anyone who says different. Very Happy
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cixelsyD



Joined: 09 Oct 2010
Posts: 1357

PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 11:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

picturesofsky wrote:
Dude, I'm lying to make people feel better. Don't spoil it.


If it makes you feel better your my fake internet hero 3<
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mouse



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 17125
Location: under the bed

PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 12:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

tf: i think, actually, you couldn't care less. if you _could_ care less, then you care at least somewhat.

(sorry, pet peeve aggravated by recent review of a slew of poorly-written documents).

but yeah, this is one of those things that happens as you get older. part of it is genuinely getting more self-confidence (however you do it), part of it is just getting a more solid self-image of who you are and what matters or doesn't matter to you (like, cliquish teenagers: not so much)
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trustedfaith



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 3366
Location: My own little world...

PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 12:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

mouse wrote:
tf: i think, actually, you couldn't care less. if you _could_ care less, then you care at least somewhat.

(sorry, pet peeve aggravated by recent review of a slew of poorly-written documents).

but yeah, this is one of those things that happens as you get older. part of it is genuinely getting more self-confidence (however you do it), part of it is just getting a more solid self-image of who you are and what matters or doesn't matter to you (like, cliquish teenagers: not so much)


Ahhh that's a sleepy Monday for me. I'm sorry. I normally don't say it that way. I've been working on 50% energy today.
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 6399

PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 12:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you, trustedfaith!

I'm not entirely sure how I ended up with as much self confidence as I have. I've got the kind of childhood horror stories that can make people into agoraphobic recluses. I think it was magically finding good REAL friends some point in middle school, then making a game with them of being as strange as possible for several years.

I blame theatre.
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Michael



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 10673

PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 12:24 am    Post subject: sure can handle the drama Reply with quote

good choice!
at least they'll enjoy the attention
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Mr Gary



Joined: 30 Apr 2009
Posts: 6234
Location: Some pub in England

PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 12:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Black Kitty wrote:
Maybe that just happens once you develop the confidence-from-within thing.


Greatest 'bloke' I ever knew, Jimmy Bannister. Younger than me. Former pro-footballer - played like two games for Tranmere Rovers. Guy could drink more, punch harder, quip quicker and fuck more than any man I ever met. Like I say, younger than me, but I ended up working as his assistant manager at the bar we had. I remember complaining once that I didn't have his confidence, his self-assurance. "Just fake it," he said. "That's what I do."

Guy was just as shit scared of approaching groups of people, about approaching women, etc etc. But he acted like it didn't phaze him and worked and success begets success.

Obviously, I learned a lot because I'm super successful with women etc now. So maybe I should just shut up again.
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trustedfaith



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 3366
Location: My own little world...

PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 1:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mr Gary wrote:
Obviously, I learned a lot because I'm super successful with women etc now. So maybe I should just shut up again.


Well according to Snorri we're dating now anyway... so that's successful right? Haha.
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Darqcyde



Joined: 11 Jul 2006
Posts: 10290
Location: A false vacuum abiding in ignorance.

PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 2:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Arc Tempest wrote:
Oneponytoruleall wrote:
So you're going to have to fake it.


Obligatory.


Almost, this would be better, but hands down, nothing beats Clapton.

FUCK! now I'm gonna be singing cheap trick at work.

*********** ON TOPICS ************

Also, I've fucked up college no less than three times with the main reason being chasing girls who had little to no interest in me "in that way". Not faulting the women; I'm a sad, pitiful, hopeless romantic.
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