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DeD CHiKn
Joined: 04 Aug 2006
Posts: 9867
Location: Baltimore, Maryla*gunshot*
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 Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2011 12:36 pm Post subject: |
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A cardiologist was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
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DeD CHiKn
Joined: 04 Aug 2006
Posts: 9867
Location: Baltimore, Maryla*gunshot*
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| Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2011 12:39 pm Post subject: |
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| tinkeringIdiot wrote: | Q: How did the hipster burn his mouth?
A: He ate his dinner before it was cool. |
Stole it.
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trustedfaith
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 3361
Location: My own little world...
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| Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2011 2:50 pm Post subject: |
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How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it. |
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Celaeno
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 2995
Location: Kzoo
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| Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2011 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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David Sedaris asked me to tell him a joke when I was getting a book signed. I prefaced it with "I only know one joke, and it's not funny."
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: To get to the other side.
He paused for a minute then said, "Well, at least you warned me."
Thinking back on it, I totally got that joke from this forum. Thank you, Spanky from 2007. I have no idea why it's the ONLY joke I can remember.
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Dennis J. Squidbunny
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 3524
Location: AUSTRALIA YOU FAKIR
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WheelsOfConfusion
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 11146
Location: Unknown Kaddath
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| Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2011 1:27 am Post subject: |
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| Dennis J. Squidbunny wrote: | how do you sell batteries to a dead guy?
HEY MATE DO YOU WANT TO BUY SOME BATTERIES? |
I think you forgot the opening to that one:
A man is waiting impatiently by the phone. It rings. He picks up. "Yes?"
"This is Martha from Dr. Horner's office. We've just got the tests back."
"Thank God, I can't take the suspense! What's wrong with me?"
"Well, I don't quite know how to put this. Hmmm, say, would you like to hear a joke?" |
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Mr Gary
Joined: 30 Apr 2009
Posts: 6165
Location: Some pub in England
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| Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2011 11:31 pm Post subject: |
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Journalism Joke Ahoy!
Q. How many sub-editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Too.
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Mr Gary
Joined: 30 Apr 2009
Posts: 6165
Location: Some pub in England
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| Posted: Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:29 am Post subject: |
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Original, I suppose, but also entirely stolen from WoC's LJ.
Two things I ain't scared of: no ghost and double negatives.
*tastes the soup*
Needs more seasoning.
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Michael
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 10432
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| Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 11:22 am Post subject: |
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| Why did the mushroom go to the party |
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WheelsOfConfusion
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 11146
Location: Unknown Kaddath
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| Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 12:48 pm Post subject: |
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| Michael wrote: | | Why did the mushroom go to the party |
He was coming off of a bad relationship, and had been withdrawing from socializing to sit at home and watch cartoons on Boomerang all day. His friends worried about his well-being and convinced him (after great effort) to put himself out there more. Even if he didn't find someone else to be in a relationship with, just being around others should help crack the shell that was starting to encase him, and pull him out of his funk.
He had meekly suggested the office party for Helen's retirement, but his friends wisely intuited that associating a party with the drudgery of his job and coworkers would have the opposite effect from what they wanted. No, they'd said, he was going to attend the block party organized by those recently graduated college kids who had been renting old the Bertelsmann place. Lots of energetic young people would be there, and his friends knew that they shared some taste in music. It would be the perfect opportunity for him to unwind and get comfortable again with people he mostly didn't know without feeling alienated.
He'd shown up early and largely kept to himself for the first twenty minutes, but after more people started wandering outside of their own circle of friends he'd been introduced and was starting to loosen up. Unfortunately, after about an hour, someone made the most innocent of mistakes, and set in motion a chain of events that resulted in tragedy. Maybe if just one link in the chain had been broken, if somebody had done something just a bit differently, it could have been avoided. Maybe the party could even have been salvaged. But there's no use thinking in maybes now, the branching possibilities that lead to a universe for ever possible outcome have led us firmly into one where the life of the party wasn't the only one that ended. |
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Michael
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 10432
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| Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 1:04 pm Post subject: |
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Ah. You've heard it before then.
What's brown and sticky? |
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WheelsOfConfusion
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 11146
Location: Unknown Kaddath
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| Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 1:09 pm Post subject: |
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| The Bertelsmann's living room. Well, rather ironically named now. |
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Tiogshi
Joined: 11 Jul 2006
Posts: 310
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| Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 3:52 pm Post subject: |
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A vacuum enters a bar and asks for a margarita to relax with, but make sure there's no straw. Bartender asks him why. The vacuum replies, "Too much pressure at work."
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(( Tiogshi Laj :: Average ASCII Artisan And Ambitiously Anachronistic Assonanteur ))
(( This post has been quad-ROT13 encrypted. Reading it violates the DMCA. ))
(( Fight me! )) |
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WheelsOfConfusion
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 11146
Location: Unknown Kaddath
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| Posted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 4:14 am Post subject: |
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This just happened to me. I suddenly started raining outside, so I scramble to find the car keys and put up the windows. By the time I get out the door, the rain has stopped.
I guess you might call it a splash in the pan. |
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Lasairfiona
Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 9616
Location: I have to be somewhere? ::runs around frantically::
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| Posted: Fri Sep 30, 2011 2:45 am Post subject: |
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_________________
Before God created Las he pondered on all the aspects a woman might have, he considered which ones would look good super-inflated and which ones to leave alone.
After much deliberation he gave her a giant comfort zone. - Michael |
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