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Mr Gary



Joined: 30 Apr 2009
Posts: 6310
Location: Some pub in England

PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 10:01 pm    Post subject: Celebulicious Reply with quote

So, uh, celebrities are cool! You don't think so? Think it's trivial? Dude

(Featuring in this thread if anyone gives a shit: Lindsay Lohan / Anne Hathaway / Lena Dunham / Hulk Hogan / Anyone Who Has Been On X-Factor / Nikki Minaj / Hadley).

tl;dr: post interesting / sexy celebrity gossip here


Last edited by Mr Gary on Fri Jan 18, 2013 11:50 am; edited 1 time in total
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Arc Tempest



Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 4949
Location: Oregon

PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 10:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No. You can't make me.
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Mr Gary



Joined: 30 Apr 2009
Posts: 6310
Location: Some pub in England

PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 10:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Really?

How about if I give you some Ice cream?

Wouldn't that just beat all?

LOL BECOZ BEATS WOMEN. WOMEN STILL LOVE LIKE ICE CREAM.
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Michael



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 10737

PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 10:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

who's lena dunham?
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Mr Gary



Joined: 30 Apr 2009
Posts: 6310
Location: Some pub in England

PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 10:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Michael wrote:
who's lena dunham?


she is a Girl.

No, I've not watched that show either.

*cue Michael google searching 'girls', the most non-specific pornhunt ever*
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Dennis J. Squidbunny



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 3836
Location: AUSTRALIA YOU FAKIR

PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2013 12:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

here, have an insane, confused, violent rant about Mean Girls 2.

Quote:
Mean girls took place just before, or just as, Lilo started to get a bit wobbly, like a baby giraffe who’s had too much coke and can’t remember if she’s got underwear on or not and that’s all anyone wants to see anyway amirite boys WOO and represents the last time someone let her anywhere near a writer as good as Tina Fey. I don’t know if we should really be expecting much more for an actor who’s first credited role is when she was 8, where she was on David Letterman playing a character called “Trick-or-Treater Dressed as Garbage”, but I think her best performance since then has involved her having a three way with heritage listed mass of scar tissue Danny Trejo after some undoubtedly now suicidal work experience stage hand had finished gluing wig hair to her nipples

But as much as Lindsay doesn’t appear in Mean Girls 2, in a lot of ways the movie is all about her. And by all about her, I mean its about me and my housemates sitting in my loungeroom loudly asking WHERE IS LINDSAY LOHAN? WHERE IS ANYBODY? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

Watching Mean Girls 2 brings about the same joy as taking home a homeless person, you think you’re doing a good thing and helping someone but really all you’re doing is inviting an hour and a half conversation about genital scabs and which seedy alleyways have the best rats to fuck.

SO. We begin. Everyone buckle in, because I’m trying to get through the plot here and I’m pretty certain I’m at least going to do a better job than the screen writers of Mean Girls 2. Even if I stop talking from here on in and spend the next fifteen minutes absent mindedly looking for my car keys mumbling about how that mailorder screenwriting course I did assured me I would have agents knocking down my door in no time and instead I’ve written a telemovie for ABC family that I only got hired for because the producer had just finished freebasing his dogs prescription urinary tract infection medication when I was washing his car windows and he thought I was actually Lindsay Lohan, when in fact Lindsay Lohan doing windows at the other traffic lights.

SO. We begin. We begin halfway through the movie with a dude offering Meaghan Martin a fat wad of cash to be friends with his daughter thus hopping straight to the classic teen movie cliché of being paid or bet or dared to be someone’s friend and then actually wanting to be their friend which is great because we can really do without the first half of the movie FUCK they’re doing it anyway. Cue her fixing racecars as a child montage.

This movie is full of montages but no one making the movie really understands how to do them. They’re the sort of person that looks at a filthy kitchen they have to clean and says WE’RE GOING TO NEED A CLEANING MONTAGE and then laughs like a horse having twins – that laugh where they can’t control it at the start, like their lips are suddenly filled with ghosts and you see a little bit of spittle travel through the air out of their mouth and then it lands on your mouth and its disgusting but can you really say something about that?

We meet her dad who is a racecar fixing man or something, a job that requires she moves school every two years for NO REASON WHATSOEVER. In Mean Girls the dad was played by the Janitor from Scrubs, the only character that stayed consistently good as a once beloved comedy show slid into its fourteenth season and became little more than an extended close up of Zach Braffs douchey face, looking like a puppy that’s just been told it has bone cancer.

In Mean Girls 2 the Dad is played by a guy who has credits in two straight to DVD Wild Things spin offs, a movie only famous in the first place for Neve Campbell and Denise Richards making out and everyone suddenly realizing that Matt Dillon didn’t die in 1992. His best credit is for playing Johnny Cage in the first Mortal Kombat movie, so what the fuck is the fucking point of him being in the movie if he’s not going to be playing Johnny Cage? Why is he in anything not playing Johnny Cage?

So Meaghan Martin is a ‘loner with a highly developed defence mechanism’ she tells us via voiceover while she rides her beast of a scooter as she voiceovers her rules for survival. At this point she hasn’t actually talked yet, its all disembodied voice which means maybe this movie will be about how she’s imagined the entire highschool and she’s actually trapped in a snowed in hotel and Shelley Duvall is about to get a right royal axing but alas, alack, it is not to be.

Then we hit another time honoured teen movie cliché and meet the cliques! We meet THE REV HEADS and the NERDS the CUTSEY CHEERLEADERS and the PLASTICS

In Mean Girls Lindsay Lohan was daughter to zoologists, so she first studied her classmates as a zoologist. In Mean Girls 2 Meaghan Martin is daughter to a race car driver and a dead woman, so she first studies her classmates as a zoologist.

then she says “If they liked you, your life is green lights. If they didn’t, you’re nothing more than a wreck on the side of the road” CAR SIMILIE TICK. ALL WE NEED IS SOME PUMPING KATY PERRY! OOP THERE SHE IS!

We meet the Plastics like in Mean Girls – head mean girl Mandy, blonde girl who bones everyone Chastity (lol name joke) and germaphobe Hope Plotkin.

Then we meet nerd Abbey, who’s art book has been knocked into a bin that is for some reason full of milk! Abbey and Meagen Martin start to make friends and oh LOOK IT’S THE PRINCIPAL FROM MEAN GIRLS ITS TIM MEADOWS WE KNOW HIM ITS GOING TO BE OKAY

but why… why does he look so tired? why is he appearing on a tv in the hallway?

Anyway now it is time for us to find out that Meaghan Martin is a sassy new age feminist and she does this by choosing to do SHOP CLASS and work with WOOD instead of doing WOMAN CLASS and building tampons or whatever the fuck even goes on there. Everyone is sexist to her, including the woodwork teacher who tells her to go to home ec and he also just looks so, so tired.

She gets partnered with Tyler AKA Colombian dream boat pop star who was also in the new 90210 which failed horribly because instead of casting actors to play the main female leads they just hurled some miniskirts and wigs into a broom closet and started filming.

Tyler is also a SEXIST to her but unlike most women she knows all about MAKING A BIRDHOUSE. When he says ‘maybe you can decorate it’ she says ‘MAYBE I’LL REROUTE THE ENCRIPTIONS’ and he is all ‘I HAVE AN ERECTION’.

The Plastics have a tiny dog in a bag and they talk to each other in such a way that the whole room started screaming WHERE ARE YOU LACEY CHABERT AND AMANDA SEYFRIED COME BACK WE MISS YOU and who the fuck ever imagines themselves saying that?

SHE STOPS A GUY GROPING HER AND THE PLASTICS LIKE HER SASS BUT NOT LEAD MEAN GIRL PLAYED BY AN ACTOR THAT IS NOT RACHEL MCADAMS SO WHY DID ANY OF US EVEN BOTHER SHOWING UP TODAY? WHY ARE WE HERE?

So Meaghan wants to go to Carnegie Melon which is either a university or something with an umberalla in it you drink out of a hollowed out dildo, but Johnny cage and FUCK YOU if you think I’m not going to keep calling him Johnny Cage, wants her to go to Ohio State so she’ll be closer to him.

Johnny Cage then sadly divulges that her tuition money is gone and he does so by saying “I kept hoping the market would rebound and my investments are in the tank” which is pretty depressing for a guy who once punched a four armed monster in the dick.

And she says BUT MUM WENT TO CARNEGIE MELON and her mum is dead, did you get that? If not, don’t worry, have a voice over saying that her mum is dead.

Now we learn about sweet nerd Abbey and lead Plastic Mandy who have lived over the road from each other forever and Mandy has always been jealous of Abbey because she is richer and gets bigger bouncing castles and Victorian era period dress etc. – me telling you this bit is more important than it sounds.

Anyway, some dude straight up destroys Abbey’s car with a paintball gun at the bequeth of the Plastics and Meaghan Martin gives her a lift home and finds her art book and is all sweet art and Abbey is like I SAD and her dad who we met at the start wants to fix it with money and has an idea!

Her dad is a rich infomercial king who sells MEAT JUICERS and CAT TOILETS both of which are products I would ACTUALLY LIKE TO BUY so I missed the next few scenes because I was sulking and wishing I was watching an infomercial about meat juicing cat toilets, but that’s okay because the next scene was the scene at the beginning so it’s a great time to think about how a cat could poop and it would pop out a hamburger and you would stop hunger in Africa like those invisible children kony 2012 cunts want to do. So Dad pays Meaghan Martin to be Abbey’s friend even though they’re already friends so she can pay to go to Carnegie Melon only seven dollars at happy hour tip your waiter, Juan he loves to get freaky.

We meet Quinn Shinn who runs the local paper who much like every other girl in an American highschool who has run a newspaper by which I mean Andrea Zuckerman she is a frumpy turncoat that wants to fuck Jason Priestly on a merry-go-round. She’ll be handy later on so don’t forget her. Like I forgot her. Before she’d even left the screen I was left wondering who she, or anyone else was. Watching Mean Girls 2 has primed me for going into a nursing home. I was forever wondering who all these people were and why they kept smiling at me.

There’s a comedy crazy old man over the road and he has just installed video cameras which will probably have no relevance until LITERALLY THREE SECONDS LATER WHEN THOSE PLASTICS WHO ARE ANGRY FOR SOME REASON BREAK INTO THEIR GARAGE AND USE INDUSTRIAL GLUE GLUING MAIN GIRL TO HER MOPED which is pretty intense as a prank – what if her vagina came off?

She gets to school and her scooter falls on her because she is glued to it – don’t worry ladies her vagina doesn’t come off. She rides her moped through the school and because she has to cut her pants off she wears one of Abbey’s smocks with paint on it and instead of everyone HATING her because she has PAINT ON HER and is a IDIOT they all come to school the next day with paint on their clothes – so yay, everyone is an idiot!

Now it is war between Meaghan Martin and the Plastics – her and Tyler who are slowly falling in love like the love shared between two idiots who fall in love over a love of idiot horseshit have to do a special woodwork class test where they build a parachute system for an egg and drop it and if it doesn’t smash you get a scholarship to an architecture school which actually isn’t all that ridiculous because the American education system.

I know we’ve been here for what seems like longer than the entireity of Mean Girls 2 but no shit this next bit is one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. Hottie McBlandy Tyler wants more study time so why don’t they go to a movie tomorrow night.

They get in a car and say they are driving to the movies and then it CUTS to a MONTAGE of still photos of them sitting in a park and giving each other piggy back rides in the middle of the day and eating icecream, there’s ten still photos of nothing in a park at daytime then CUT and they’re sitting in the car discussing how well she did on the rollercoaster and how she was better at doing some sort of carnival game than him and NOW ITS NIGHT TIME. AND THEY SAID THEY WERE GOING TO THE MOVIES.

Meanwhile Mandy has stepped up her reign of terror making Meaghan Martin’s egg parachute explode and other insane horseshit and THEN her and the other Plastics Chastity and Hope wear pink camo gear and sneak into Johnny Cage’s Garage which for some reason doesn’t have a sign saying Johnny Cage’s Garage on it and pour coffee and sugar into the engine he’s working on so it breaks and Meaghan Martin comes home to find Johnny Cage sobbing that the car is broken and they will be poor forever and then Meaghan Martin sees sugar packets and then her voiceover says

MY GIRL HORMONES KICKED INTO OVERDRIVE

which is actually a real medical thing that can happen I am assured by that doucheheel at the end of the bar that says he cure lesbianism with his DICK

there are dueling birthday parties between Abbey and Mandy but Abbey has a black man DJing so she wins and there is a whole attempted poisoning which backfires with vomit and the nerd that has a crush on Abbey fucks a pot plant but in truth I missed a lot of this because I was discovering that chastity meyer is a water polo and kung fu champion from Brisbane and I wonder if this was her plan when she decided to make the jump from kung fu water polo to the stage.

THEN IT IS WAR as Meaghan Martin creates her own revolutionary army.

I’ll let Meaghan Martin tell you what they were called.

“we called ourselves the anti-plastics. not very original but it got the point across”

Which is screenwriter shorthand for ‘No joke from Hadley required’.

Have one anyway. NOT VERY ORIGINAL! Tina Fey is too expensive and Lindsay Lohan is trying to whittle a lifelike version of herself out of soap to escape a Mexican jail but who really needs them? Just make the same movie! But worse! High fives!

Then the plastics also recruit people and we have montages of people posing in different outfits as the two sides swell.

Meaghan Martin tips off poor tired old Principal Tim Meadows to Chastity’s makeout rooms in which she makes out with all sorts of different ugly stunt men and background artists and the idiot producers horny nephew but as he puts her on detention he suddenly has to do a video announcement anyway from here on in shit really starts to get real.

For no reason at all, principal tim meadows, poor, tired tim meadows is filimg himself dancing and spanking himself and it goes out over the school video tv and then he turns off the camera and says ‘no one will ever see that’ – this scene comes completely out of nowhere and is never mentioned again

Now Meaghan Martin is boss of the anti plastics she wears boots and it makes Tyler uncomfortable prompting him to be all

DRESSING LIKE THE COVER OF ROLLING STONE? IT’S KIND OF HOT BUT NOT ALL THE TIME WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT GIRL I MET IN SHOP CLASS? THE ONE WHO KNEW WHAT A BIRDHOUSE WAS UNLIKE ANY WOMAN I’VE EVER MET BEFORE?

She realises she has changed for the worser and goes to have a very public confrontation with abbys dad to give him back the be my daughters friend money while Mandy hides in the garden in hot pink and listens to everything!

Within about an hour that turncoat frumpy bitch Quinn Shin has put it in the school newspaper which cues the most emotionally charged and second most confusing scene where this dialogue is said:

ABBEY: Is it true did my dad pay you to be friends with me? Quinn finally got her big story (pause flap paper)
MEAGHAN MARTIN: Why would Quinn do this? How could you? I was going to tell Abbey everything
QUINN: Face it Meaghan Martin’s character name I can’t remember, the plastics are the originals and they don’t have to pay anyone to be their friend.
MEAGAHN MARTIN: No you just sold out your friends for free!
ABBEY: Oh what like you sold me out storm off

Shit just fucking gets worse as if that is even possible from here on in with Mandy and her idiot boyfriend stealing money that is going to a home for neutering dogs and framing Meagan Martin for it so she will be expelled and can’t be prom queen because apparently that’s the plot now? Anyway long story short it works and also Mandy has a really skanky fake pink butterfly tattoo on her lower back WILL THIS BE IMPORTANT LATER ON? probably not.

Police go to the shed and find the heart and Principal Tim Meadows briefly wakes up to tell Meaghan Martin she’s expelled. She almost punches out Mandy but Principal Tim Meadows catches her arm in a finally funny moment says “as much as we’d all like that I can’t let you hit her.”

He says to settle it like ladies and she says screw being a lady and there is a dramatic pause and then she challenges Mandy to a football game.

And then all of the characters and the actors playing them and presumably the screenwriters are all just as fucking batshit confused as we the audience are. That is, the audience is confused why a football game could possibly help anything and the screenwriters are confused why they just woke up in an alley surrounded by empty bottles of cough syrup and is that prostitute dead oh shit I hope that prostitute isn’t dead. hey, honey are you okay? oh shit okay, what’re we going to do. why isn’t Lindsay here? Lindsay would know what to do!

A WHAT A FUCKING WHAT FUCK BALL WHAT?

Okay so they have a football team and it’s time for a still shot montage like I could even give a fuck.

Anyway here they are for the football match which presumably will have no bearing on anything whatsoever, unless again the American education system is so fucked you can overturn expulsion by winning football awkward pause where I look knowingly at you see I can be political.

Now they play football which is still confusing. Even when the karate girl Mandy got on her team has her nunchuks confiscated that makes more sense then why are they doing this in the first place?

montage montage football football OCCASIONAL KARATE football football no more karate football

and now the nerd in love with Abbey hacks the crazy old mans security cameras and finds footage of Mandy’s skanky back tattoo and her stealing the money and he uses hacking to send it to the phone of everyone at the football game. Mandy is all YOU’RE STILL GOING TO LOSE and now she’s running away and Megahan Martin tackles her and SLOW MO SCENE TRIUMPHANT MUSIC AS ABBY PICKS UP THE BALL GETS OVER THE LINE AND SCORES A POINT.

IN THE FOOTBALL GAME THAT CHANGES NOTHING THAT THERE IS LITERALLY NO REASON FOR.

AND EVERYONE IS SO HAPPY FOR ABBEY WHO HAS NEVER WON ANYTHING BEFORE. And then Abbey becomes PROM QUEEN!

And Abbey says oh my god I’ve never won anything! And then I remember the montage that explains her family is incredibly rich and she’s always had everything she’s ever wanted! But she won football! Because the other team was arrested! And she has everything she’s ever wanted! Except a crown! But now she has a crown. So… uh… yay rich white girl!

Then Meaghan Martin’s voiceover tells us she went to Carnegie Melon and got rich building a birdhouse with a security camera in it. And the credits roll which is nothing more than a handy list of people to hate.

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ShadowCell



Joined: 03 Aug 2008
Posts: 6182
Location: California

PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2013 1:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i am concerned about how long that is

(inb4 "that's what she said")
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Michael



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 10737

PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2013 1:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dennis J. Squidbunny wrote:
here, have an insane, confused, violent rant about Mean Girls 2.

Quote:
And the credits roll which is nothing more than a handy list of people to hate.


Except for Johnny Cage. We should love Johnny Cage.
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Michael



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2013 1:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

In other news, kriss kross are getting back together...
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Mr Gary



Joined: 30 Apr 2009
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Location: Some pub in England

PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 11:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

something something Daddy Mac something ...

BTW DID YOU KNOW, MEGAN FOX IS NOT AN ANCIENT AZTEC?
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Canopus



Joined: 13 Sep 2010
Posts: 623

PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 12:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've never found Megan Fox to be breathtakingly hot. She's cute, but not like super hot.
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Michael



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 10737

PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 12:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The lip on the left curves exactly the same way as the lip on the right.


uhm...

which lips is he looking at?
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Mr Gary



Joined: 30 Apr 2009
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Location: Some pub in England

PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 5:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Canopus wrote:
I've never found Megan Fox to be breathtakingly hot. She's cute, but not like super hot.


No, she is super hot. Not much else going on there, but she is super hot. Would bang.
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Mr Gary



Joined: 30 Apr 2009
Posts: 6310
Location: Some pub in England

PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2013 5:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Zooey Daschanel via Twitter, re: Canyons:

Quote:
Did Lindsay Lohan ever find her phone?


So adorkable, Zooey.

See normally now I would be wanting a Lohan movie to prove an unexpected success, but given that her co-star is 'porn legend' James Deen, I'm queasy about it and hope it is the trainwreck it's said to be. And not in a so-bad-its-good kind of way like that Taylor/Burton biopic, but genuinely unwatchable, hatefully bad. Because, well, James Deen, a guy who makes porn for men who hate women.
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Dennis J. Squidbunny



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
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Location: AUSTRALIA YOU FAKIR

PostPosted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 11:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wait, have you read this? It really paints Deen as the only remotely sane one on set.

Also, Angelina Jolie has just called up Ang Lee and asked if he wants to direct her in Cleopatra, when we all know they should have cast Linds.
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