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2013-03-30 Are you blind?
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stripeypants



Joined: 24 Feb 2013
Posts: 3429
Location: Land of the Grumpuses

PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 3:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

One problem is that female actors, according to 'After Porn Ends' and some charts I've seen, only stay in the industry for two years now, instead of the fourteen years they normally remained in during the 70s. This coupled with the stigma against hiring former porn actors, prostitutes, and other people in the sex business, creates a problem. The myth is that female porn stars are all working their way through college and are just being happy sex positive folks. Some do, but I am concerned for those who are basically tossing any chance at non-sex related employment at such a young age.

I think porn could be awesome, but currently if you aren't a gay or straight cisgender man, there is very little available. You'd think with all the depictions of queer people in straight porn (lesbians, bisexual, trans) there might be something there. But there is a difference between a depiction and a good representation.

I also have to say - worst sex experiences I've had have been with people who get their education about sex with porn. They tend to be overconfident. They don't ask questions. They don't take hints, and when something isn't working or you tell them to stop doing something, they get all super mopey about it - as if their dreams have been crushed.
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 3:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

stripeypants wrote:
I also have to say - worst sex experiences I've had have been with people who get their education about sex with porn. They tend to be overconfident. They don't ask questions. They don't take hints, and when something isn't working or you tell them to stop doing something, they get all super mopey about it - as if their dreams have been crushed.

Oh you've just described every sexual experience I've had in the last five years or so.

Though I guess to be fair to them it's probably difficult when your partner just doesn't like any of it. *sigh*
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stripeypants



Joined: 24 Feb 2013
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 3:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Samsally wrote:
stripeypants wrote:
I also have to say - worst sex experiences I've had have been with people who get their education about sex with porn. They tend to be overconfident. They don't ask questions. They don't take hints, and when something isn't working or you tell them to stop doing something, they get all super mopey about it - as if their dreams have been crushed.

Oh you've just described every sexual experience I've had in the last five years or so.

Though I guess to be fair to them it's probably difficult when your partner just doesn't like any of it. *sigh*


Haha, yes, it seems to be common to many folks. Very sad and pathetic, indeed.

Yeah, but to be fair, if they asked before doing their peacock dance, they could avoid wasting anyone's time, and also learn the magic individual preferences that lead to a satisfying experience. But no...everyone loves a persistent display of tailfeathers! Everyone!
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 3:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, there has been quite a bit of person growth on my end since then.

I still hadn't come to terms with being ace and was convinced I was just doing it wrong and obviously the right thing will magically fix everything (and of course, every guy I've ever dated assumed HE was the 'right thing'. "Obviously you haven't dated the right guy, HURHURHUR" people still tell me this, its everything I can do not to throw things at them.) So I was a lot more wishy-washy about what I wanted because I just didn't know. It just got worse and worse when everything tried was not exactly fun for me (or maybe fun once and then never again, i don't even know, ugh.)

I've sort of given up on that idea. Now I'm just floating in "nobody would want to date me because of this reason I can't really talk about in polite company" limbo, which would suck marginally less if everybody I talk to about it didn't reluctantly agree (or just insist i need to meet the right dick/vagina.)
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Monkey Mcdermott



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 3:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Samsally wrote:
Well, there has been quite a bit of person growth on my end since then.

I still hadn't come to terms with being ace and was convinced I was just doing it wrong and obviously the right thing will magically fix everything (and of course, every guy I've ever dated assumed HE was the 'right thing'. "Obviously you haven't dated the right guy, HURHURHUR" people still tell me this, its everything I can do not to throw things at them.) So I was a lot more wishy-washy about what I wanted because I just didn't know. It just got worse and worse when everything tried was not exactly fun for me (or maybe fun once and then never again, i don't even know, ugh.)

I've sort of given up on that idea. Now I'm just floating in "nobody would want to date me because of this reason I can't really talk about in polite company" limbo, which would suck marginally less if everybody I talk to about it didn't reluctantly agree (or just insist i need to meet the right dick/vagina.)


The bold is true, you just need to meet the right one that has the same general size libido, as opposed to the nonexistent one that will miraculously change your libido to match theirs.

Wonder how much of that attitude can be blamed on the porn trope of irresistable sexuality.
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stripeypants



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PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 4:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Monkey Mcdermott wrote:
Samsally wrote:
Well, there has been quite a bit of person growth on my end since then.

I still hadn't come to terms with being ace and was convinced I was just doing it wrong and obviously the right thing will magically fix everything (and of course, every guy I've ever dated assumed HE was the 'right thing'. "Obviously you haven't dated the right guy, HURHURHUR" people still tell me this, its everything I can do not to throw things at them.) So I was a lot more wishy-washy about what I wanted because I just didn't know. It just got worse and worse when everything tried was not exactly fun for me (or maybe fun once and then never again, i don't even know, ugh.)

I've sort of given up on that idea. Now I'm just floating in "nobody would want to date me because of this reason I can't really talk about in polite company" limbo, which would suck marginally less if everybody I talk to about it didn't reluctantly agree (or just insist i need to meet the right dick/vagina.)


The bold is true, you just need to meet the right one that has the same general size libido, as opposed to the nonexistent one that will miraculously change your libido to match theirs.

Wonder how much of that attitude can be blamed on the porn trope of irresistable sexuality.


All of it can be blamed, probably.

As for me, I cried tears once because of how crap a sex situation was once. The guys response: Oh, if we did this every day, you'd come to like it.

Uh huh. Sure thing, Mr. Skills In Bed.
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 4:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just need to somehow integrate it into my head that I'm really not the only person in the world with almost no libido. It's... stupidly hard to imagine. Stupid because sheer numbers and statistics say otherwise, but hard because lived experiences pretty much tell me I'm a huge freak.

Ugh, sorry to randomly dump tmi all over the thread. Thank you for the support.

Also oh my god stripeypants, that's so horrible it made me cringe at the computer screen. What an ass.
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diagram12345



Joined: 08 Jul 2012
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 5:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rothide wrote:
I could argue that if all of this is fantasy and all of the actors are getting paid for their performances... what problem? Maybe they should have disclaimers saying that this is a work of fiction, no one was harmed, much like how video-games have these same disclaimers for their violence.


Why not let sex workers speak for themselves? Those who are not sex workers should not speak for them, whether to support their work or deride it. One thing to warn against, though, is making someone a victim when they don't want to be one.
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stripeypants



Joined: 24 Feb 2013
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 5:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Samsally wrote:
I just need to somehow integrate it into my head that I'm really not the only person in the world with almost no libido. It's... stupidly hard to imagine. Stupid because sheer numbers and statistics say otherwise, but hard because lived experiences pretty much tell me I'm a huge freak.

Ugh, sorry to randomly dump tmi all over the thread. Thank you for the support.

Also oh my god stripeypants, that's so horrible it made me cringe at the computer screen. What an ass.


You're totally not the only one. Smile Mine is also fairly low (Used to e much lower.). If you can get your head to agree that your experience is normal and okay, the rest is finding the right partner(s), and working on the ability to communicate.

Yeah. There was worse in that encounter, but you can probably extrapolate from there.
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Rune



Joined: 08 Oct 2011
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 5:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

diagram12345 wrote:
Rothide wrote:
I could argue that if all of this is fantasy and all of the actors are getting paid for their performances... what problem? Maybe they should have disclaimers saying that this is a work of fiction, no one was harmed, much like how video-games have these same disclaimers for their violence.


Why not let sex workers speak for themselves? Those who are not sex workers should not speak for them, whether to support their work or deride it. One thing to warn against, though, is making someone a victim when they don't want to be one.


For the same reason that artists aren't the ones who critique their own work, though they can speak on their experience and intent.

Sure, ask them about their experiences -doing- the work, but that doesn't mean you can't then also talk about the work itself and what it adds to the social context it is distributed within. You seem to be conflating the two.
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Mercian



Joined: 27 Feb 2013
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 3:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Samsally wrote:
Well, there has been quite a bit of person growth on my end since then.

I've sort of given up on that idea. Now I'm just floating in "nobody would want to date me because of this reason I can't really talk about in polite company" limbo, which would suck marginally less if everybody I talk to about it didn't reluctantly agree (or just insist i need to meet the right dick/vagina.)


I can empathise on the 'you just haven't met the right bearer of heroically flailing genitals' thing. In my case, the absence of sex drive is due to brain damage, but if I had a pound for every time someone tried to convince me that I could be 'fixed' by the Chosen Cock (and only cock; there are no gay women in this county, doncherknow), I could buy a racehorse. Or a bag of cinema popcorn.
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Samsally



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PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 3:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooof. That just seems particularly insensitive considering your situation. I haven't really got a reason, it's just something I've slowly figured out over the years.
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Mercian



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PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 3:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

And you don't need a reason - you are who you are. Just cause you got a garage, doesn't mean you need a car...

Assuming you have a...

Never mind. This is the worst metaphor ever, and my only excuse is that I've been driving all night, and...really driving. Not metaphorical driving...

Shutting up, now.
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ktern



Joined: 02 Jul 2007
Posts: 950

PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 5:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Samsally wrote:
I just need to somehow integrate it into my head that I'm really not the only person in the world with almost no libido. It's... stupidly hard to imagine. Stupid because sheer numbers and statistics say otherwise, but hard because lived experiences pretty much tell me I'm a huge freak.


an ex of mine was like that. sadly, i didn't handle it very well because that was back in high school
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stripeypants



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PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2013 3:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Many guys have decided I was a lesbian, so they would say, "You just need to give men a chance." Meaning the bearer of that message, naturally.

So I would then explain that actually I like men, here are my experiences, and won't you please tell me if someone who is good in bed walks by? Not in such blunt words of course, because their tiny feels were so delicate and I didn't want to deal with the consequences.

Nothing beats the grace of a coworker at a fast food establishment, who said, "Everyone needs to have sex." Which is charming, you must admit. I was indeed flattered by the observation that humans tend to have genitals, and we all might as well use the genitals closest by for convenience.

And then I had to work with that guy for the remainder of my employment. It was so awesome.

-----
Edited to add this other awesome experience:
A guy working at a gay bar had a crush on me, but was told I was a lesbian. Out of the goodness of his heart, he called up a lesbian once when I was there, and asked her to come over. So we sat and had an awkward lack of conversation. Can't tell if the guy meant well or if he hoped to see some action or something. But it was one of the stupider incidents in my life.
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