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Sexual Orientation, Gender Identity, and the rest
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Heretical Rants



Joined: 21 Jul 2009
Posts: 5344
Location: No.

PostPosted: Fri Jun 07, 2013 7:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finnegan wrote:
finally. it's possible that I just may have found a way to classify my gender and sexual orientations




and to think this issue has been a source of grief in so many lives


I'm not quite feelin' the wibbly-wobbly sexy-wexy. Maybe if it were wibbly-wobbly sexy-wexy... stuff. Y'know? But whatever works for you.

As for me, my gender is "pineapple" and my sexual orientation is "uhhhhhhm." I've known this for quite a while now.
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 09, 2013 12:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I feel a little like crawling out of my skin right now so I've decided to translate it to "hey I haven't embarrassed myself by over-sharing on sinfest in a while, why the hell not."

ANYWAY. Sliding more firmly into the 'gray' part of gray ace territory is basically awful and I'm torn between "Fuck it I'll just stay on BC forever and get rid of these horrible feelings" and "I should embrace my -real- sexuality and maybe sex something some time it would make having a significant other easier, at least."

The problem is, even without birth control I'm still MOSTLY asexual, I just... notice sexy things more and play 'what if' more and I know... I KNOW that if it ever goes beyond that it may be fun for like, a little while, but inevitably I'll fall back into uncomfortable self-loathing over being, essentially, broken (by society's standard of normal, i know, it isn't right but its kind of hard to ignore) and completely incapable of hosting a normal relationship for longer than it takes the dude (or lady, or person, I suppose? god that's like whole 'nother rant) in question to decide he likes sex more than he likes dealing with my 'fun' personality quirks.

Jesus, I'm too old for this bullshit how have I not figured it out yet? All my friends are getting married and fucking having babies and I'm still stuck in ANGSTY TEENAGER mode.

Also I understand that my little slice of reality here in fucking nowhere doesn't mean all people ever are like the ones I'm used to. But plotting to get out just kicks up a whole new slew of anxiety filled rants.
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Thy Brilliance



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 3572
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 09, 2013 8:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Maybe looking for someone who accepts you for who you are first would be wiser.

If you have self loathing over who you are, you are i.e. being pressured by society to be "normal," then perhaps you should aspire for a position in life that allows some leeway for eccentricities.

Some people attain that through their jobs. Having power and control tends to pacify those who would judge any of your eccentric habits.

Some people attain that through their friends. Knowing people that are in a similar situation as yourself can have a warm and calming effect on the soul.

I don't believe such a thing as normal exists if that helps.
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 6502

PostPosted: Sun Jun 09, 2013 5:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah. I mean, it's a lot more than just lack of significant-other angst that's been bugging me lately. It just got annoying enough to vomit all over the forums, I guess.

Thanks for being nice about it. I'll stop turning the forum into my livejournal now.
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Heretical Rants



Joined: 21 Jul 2009
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 09, 2013 6:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

that's what this thread is for, partly, though
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Finnegan



Joined: 01 May 2007
Posts: 1080
Location: in that cool mountain air, on an appalachian trail

PostPosted: Mon Jun 10, 2013 5:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Samsally wrote:
I feel a little like crawling out of my skin right now so I've decided to translate it to "hey I haven't embarrassed myself by over-sharing on sinfest in a while, why the hell not."

ANYWAY. Sliding more firmly into the 'gray' part of gray ace territory is basically awful and I'm torn between "Fuck it I'll just stay on BC forever and get rid of these horrible feelings" and "I should embrace my -real- sexuality and maybe sex something some time it would make having a significant other easier, at least."

The problem is, even without birth control I'm still MOSTLY asexual, I just... notice sexy things more and play 'what if' more and I know... I KNOW that if it ever goes beyond that it may be fun for like, a little while, but inevitably I'll fall back into uncomfortable self-loathing over being, essentially, broken (by society's standard of normal, i know, it isn't right but its kind of hard to ignore) and completely incapable of hosting a normal relationship for longer than it takes the dude (or lady, or person, I suppose? god that's like whole 'nother rant) in question to decide he likes sex more than he likes dealing with my 'fun' personality quirks.

Jesus, I'm too old for this bullshit how have I not figured it out yet? All my friends are getting married and fucking having babies and I'm still stuck in ANGSTY TEENAGER mode.

Also I understand that my little slice of reality here in fucking nowhere doesn't mean all people ever are like the ones I'm used to. But plotting to get out just kicks up a whole new slew of anxiety filled rants.


I think kinda know the feeling, though I know it is much too complicated and confusing to assume that I could say that I know how you feel. It seems similar, though, so you're not alone and I'm around if you want to vent and rage and have somebody curse out of frustration and don't want to share it with the whole forum. Other than that, please feel free to use the forum, or at least this thread (I made it so I get to decide what it can and can't be used for) as your personal livejournal. that goes for everyone who has doubts, confusion, frustration, etc. cocerning their identity- any aspect of their identity, not just sexuality and gender issues.
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winterflame



Joined: 21 Jun 2012
Posts: 49

PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 5:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Does that include newbies? Because I would very much like to either contribute somehow, or possibly just... unload. Because I haven't actually met anyone else with the same issues as I have before and people I do talk to about it are for the most part what society considers normal and while they feel bad I have issues they don't actually have an idea how I feel.
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 5:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Go for it. I've got issues in spades. Even if they aren't the same, we can totally bond over it.
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winterflame



Joined: 21 Jun 2012
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 7:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Woot! I have had a lot of trouble with the fact I seem to swing from pansexual to asexual. I'll go a few months to a year or so sexual, and then out of no where just... everything shuts off.

I had a lot of trouble with relationships because of this until I met my fiance a few years back. Luckily he is very patient about the whole thing. Restores some of my faith in MANkind actually. We've been together 5 years, and if you add up the amount of time I spend not just not interested in sex but actually repulsed by it it is close to 3 and a half years of that time. He has never treated me badly, cheated on me, or pressured me. Ever. When I worried about 'his needs' he said he's a grfown up he can take care of them on his own. Only a douche cheats on his girl because she doesn't want to or can't have sex.

All of which is great. But. I still feel like a freak. My friends tease me about all the sex we must be having, or about not being able to have any because we have young children who must get in the way of that. If I try to explain that I am not interested in sex they act like something must be wrong with me, or like I'm lying because I have kids so I can't possibly not want sex. Unless it was rape. And that you CAN'T be sexual AND asexual. It's impossible.

And got all of this sounds so stupid when I type it up like this. I know I shouldn't let it bug me but it fricking hurts.
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 8:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It doesn't sound stupid at all. It sounds... familiar, heh. I mean, I've noticed recently that my own sexuality is very much affected by birth control, but even without birth control I'm not really interested except occasionally (usually when I'm half awake after a dream i can barely remember, which okay, it is ten kinds of frustrating to know that I can -dream- of sexy things but when presented with sexy things in real life I either get freaked out, squicked, or just stay completely uninterested).

I can definitely relate to the 'friends not understanding' thing. I've sorta come out to most of my good friends locally and the responses have been a lot of "well you just haven't met the right guy" or they just blow it off with a "well get married then, married people don't have sex" joke. Oh, or the ever awesome "maybe there's something seriously wrong with you, you should go to the doctor." (When I did bring it up to the nurse practitioner she just kind of looked at me sadly and did the verbal equivalent of shrug. Super useful, that.)

It's so frustrating. I'm really happy to hear you have a partner that is totally cool about it. It's all too easy to think people like that don't exist.
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winterflame



Joined: 21 Jun 2012
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 9:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*chuckle* Yeah, I have been looking at him out of the corner of my eye for years waiting for him to show himself to be an ass. He's helping me through a lot of shit from my past that colors my perceptions. I've finally started to realize that huh, he really is just that awesome. Which means that there HAVE to be more people out there like that... where the hell are they?!

It always dismays me how many people write off something a friend or even just another human being in general is going through as "A phase" or "Something must be wrong with you, you should see a doctor."

On a semi-separate note, to paraphrase something I saw floating around the net that seems appropriate... have you ever listened to someone talk, or read them post, not even interacted with them, just observed and thought to yourself "Yup I'm about to get my first/another assault charge." ? It seems appropriate to me lately. Luckily or unluckily I tend to be afraid of confrontation so I just twitch violently and hope someone better than me at expressing themselves... what is the polite term? Rips them a new one?
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 6502

PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 9:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think... I think we have a LOT in common, hahaha. I don't know if there is a word for it, but I definitely know how you feel.

I recently (er. last year or so maybe?) decided to try and be more assertive about my opinion. There were definite growing pains (I'm on the long list of people that Dennis has pointed out bullshit to because of it. Though he was a lot nicer to me about it than the randoms that wander through) but ultimately I'm glad I'm working on it. There really is some deep satisfaction when someone else swoops in to say everything you wanted to, but better (y'all know who you are) but I think stepping up on the forum more has started bleeding into real life a little. I don't let my friends opinions totally take over how I think as much.

It's been interesting, finding out I don't agree with some people nearly as much as I thought I did. At the same time, figuring out that you can be friends even when you disagree.

I dunno. I feel like this conversation may have taken an unexpected turn.

Anyway, you're totally in the right place if you enjoy watching people rip each other a new one. We have some talented folk on that front.
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TIAB



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 10:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There really is a societal fear of talking about sex in any meaningful way. People tend to clam up when it comes to talking about it, to the point that they might even say something incredibly stupid as a means of deflecting the conversation, I.E. "You should see a doctor."
I mean, supposedly, I fall under the category of "normal" when it comes to my sexual interests. I'm attracted to women and have an active libido. But it's still not at all easy for me to talk to my friends openly about sex. That probably has as much to do with my sexually repressed religious upbringing as anything else. I've been with one woman and figured out what worked for her but never really figured out work worked for me beyond some basics.
Now I find myself available to pursue other relationships and wanting to figure out what works for me but not really interested in being promiscuous. Open conversation is a good way to explore ideas and figure out what really appeals to me without just random experimenting. I've been fortunate to find a friend who was able to talk with and listen to me without reservation and it's been incredibly helpful so far.
I don't know if any of that was helpful or just weird rambling, but I felt like sharing.
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winterflame



Joined: 21 Jun 2012
Posts: 49

PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 10:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And I get the popcorn whenever they do lol. Maybe when I've been here longer, tested the water, and proved I am NOT a complete nut bag, or-- what is the female equivalent of a dudebro? Because I ran into one last week on a different forum and I didn't have a word. Anyway prove I am not one of those who shall remain nameless. Then I might possibly maybe make an opinion known. Or get involved in flying fur that is the comic branch of this place. Or any thread that turns into a bloodbath. For now? Yeah not so much.

As for you... I've seen some of your posts. I've seen you have claws and are using them more now. Which is awesome. I hope I am around long enough to see if I do lol. Either way I'm glad I finally started talking, because no matter what else this place is, it's never boring. And I am very glad this particular thread exists because it is very very nice to have someone understand at ALL that sexuality isn't necessarily concrete.
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winterflame



Joined: 21 Jun 2012
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 10:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

TIAB wrote:
There really is a societal fear of talking about sex in any meaningful way. People tend to clam up when it comes to talking about it, to the point that they might even say something incredibly stupid as a means of deflecting the conversation, I.E. "You should see a doctor."


I think that might be true for some situations but the ones that involved me actually talking about my sex life and its unique state were ones... well for example the last time was about 5 of us, all female. We were hanging out, and talking about their sex lives. Vividly. And the weird thing, to me anyway, is that for the most part these are very open minded people. No one seems to think being pansexual was weird. Or Asexual. But you can't be both. At all. That contradicts itself. I was wrong about it. I was at one point actually told, that because I had sex and enjoyed it before I should just make myself have sex a few times, even if I didn't want to, and it would kick in and I would like sex again.
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