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2014-03-26: Sexy Pain
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Yinello



Joined: 10 May 2012
Posts: 2759
Location: Behind you

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2014 9:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My SO and I have the safeword: Peartree.
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Echo



Joined: 18 Jul 2013
Posts: 645

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2014 9:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmmmm. Can we take this as Tat refuting the stool/mace combination item theory from when Blue was covering for Abby at the booth?
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Lilith



Joined: 31 Jul 2013
Posts: 6

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2014 10:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Raal wrote:
Hmm kinda asking myself if Tat is one of these "BDSM is sexist" and "True feminists can't like BDSM" kind of feminists.


A lot of BDSM is sexist.
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Hekateras



Joined: 31 May 2012
Posts: 61

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2014 12:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A lot of the depiction of alleged BDSM is sexist. *cough*FiftyShadesOfGrey*cough*

A lot of BDSM porn is sexist because, well, it's porn targeted at men.

Whether actual BDSM practices are sexist is another question altogether. From what I know of the BDSM community, much of BDSM sex is actually considered safer than "vanilla" sex because boundaries, comfort zones and risks are explicitly discussed before hand. Also, it requires both parties to be honest both with each other and with themselves about what they want and what they're into, which is decidedly more maturity than most people having sex have about it, and it's a setting that's somewhat antithetical to slut or kink shaming by its very nature.

*may or may not have just finished writing an emotionally complicated BDSM scene as part of a collab writing thing*


Also, to quote an awesome friend of mine,

"The safeword is Moffat, because fuck if anyone can keep the mood while thinking about him."

I don't have a safeword, what with being as ace as a gambler's sleeve, but if I did, that would be the one. >D
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
Posts: 6500

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2014 1:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

My only real problem with BDSM in general crops up when people become more invested in protecting their kinks from criticism than they are with respecting the boundaries of people who can be triggered or otherwise harmed by stumbling over those same kinks.

That said, I went looking and what I found made me pretty uncomfortable (of course, through no fault of anyone else, I was curious, I went looking). I've read some extremely well written and emotionally gripping BDSM scenes (that I've also been told are authentic and that were stuffed full of informed consent) and they just made me feel terrified and unhappy.

I've gotta say, I'm with 'Nique on this one.
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Yinello



Joined: 10 May 2012
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Location: Behind you

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2014 3:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm with Nique because mace guy doesn't back off when she says no and that's irritating. I am aware that many in the BDSM group know and respect other boundaries and of course there's always the few who don't want to get it.
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Samsally



Joined: 10 Jul 2006
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2014 3:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, I've read up on some of the scary shit that can happen in BDSM circles but as far as I can tell it sounds a lot like the scary shit that can happen in any circle of people with a common interest only now a lot more sex is on the table and wow that sounds super unappealing to me. Basically there are predators, yes, they are definitely a problem, but they do not necessarily define the genre.

I mean generally though it's not mine to comment on? The nuances of it are super important for the people living it but hey I'll just... be over here. Playing video games and reading fluff.
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wobster109



Joined: 12 Jan 2012
Posts: 160

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2014 4:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Safe words need to be short and easy to say! I'm afraid I don't like combination and magnanimously much, sorry.

However I'm opposed to the idea of a no-questions-asked across-the-board safeword. There are a bunch of situations where you shouldn't be able to back away. The example coming to mind is "should we renew our lease, the deadline is next week". :/

@Samsally: like with anything else, people shouldn't talk to you about their kinks if you've said, "that makes me uncomfortable, I'd rather not talk about it". But no one should censor themselves for fear of someone else "stumbling" onto them. For example, no transsexual person should have to hide because someone else is uncomfortable with them. I think the line is if you're minding your own business, other people need to tolerate.
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Sam



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 9551

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2014 4:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i've been listening to a prodomme in denver go through her blacklist and start centralizing a method of sharing trouble people with all the sex workers in the area, and it's always fuckers in 'clans' or 'tribes' or leather groups who would conceivably dress like pain guy here

on the other hand, TNG groups or non-leather kinky communities seem leagues better by comparison

Quote:
However I'm opposed to the idea of a no-questions-asked across-the-board safeword. There are a bunch of situations where you shouldn't be able to back away.


under what circumstances do you think someone should not have the ability to withdraw consent
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Rune



Joined: 08 Oct 2011
Posts: 1053

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2014 6:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you want a good comic that actually talks intelligently about BDSM while also being incredibly well-written and sexy, "Sunstone" is kind of amazing: http://shiniez.deviantart.com/
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Rune



Joined: 08 Oct 2011
Posts: 1053

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2014 6:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wobster109 wrote:
However I'm opposed to the idea of a no-questions-asked across-the-board safeword. There are a bunch of situations where you shouldn't be able to back away. The example coming to mind is "should we renew our lease, the deadline is next week". :/


I didn't say across-the-board. I said non BDSM stuff, meaning other kinds of sex and sex play. It's still a handy shorthand for things like, "Holyshitfuck, bad angle! Pain! Stop! Getoutoutoutoutout!"

Considering how many women can still experience pain during even vanilla intercourse, and for all kinds of reasons, I think it's still a good idea, and then there are a lot of other sexual practices (like anal) that it's good to have a safeword for. It just means that you've agreed ahead of time to respect each other's boundaries and limits, even if those have nothing to do with specifically BDSM kink.
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Wabi



Joined: 19 May 2012
Posts: 14
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2014 7:00 pm    Post subject: Best Safeword Reply with quote

Hekateras wrote:
"The safeword is Moffat, because fuck if anyone can keep the mood while thinking about him." I don't have a safeword, what with being as ace as a gambler's sleeve, but if I did, that would be the one. >D


I agree with everything you wrote, but this part especially made me laugh. (Also, I'm glad to meet a fellow ace on here!)

I think the thing about BDSM (or anything kinky, really) is that a lot of people aren't into it, and since it's not for them they assume there's something wrong with people who are. That can leave people feeling ashamed for liking it. Everyone has different limits, like, and dislikes, and it's always important to respect those boundaries even if you're having (or discussing) the most vanilla sex imaginable.
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Sam



Joined: 09 Jul 2006
Posts: 9551

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2014 7:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

vanillashaming is the worst and the people who do it deserve every stereotype thrust upon them
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Wabi



Joined: 19 May 2012
Posts: 14
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2014 7:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sam wrote:
vanillashaming is the worst and the people who do it deserve every stereotype thrust upon them


Oh, dear. I hope you're not referring to me. I didn't mean to shame anyone at all, I only meant that you should always respect people's limits.
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Geareye



Joined: 21 Mar 2013
Posts: 281

PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2014 8:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rune wrote:
If you want a good comic that actually talks intelligently about BDSM while also being incredibly well-written and sexy, "Sunstone" is kind of amazing: http://shiniez.deviantart.com/


I second this, Sunstone is indeed amazing. And the fact that he does something of that quality and plans to keep distributing it freely is also worthy of note.

@wobster: Could you explain the "There are a bunch of situations where you shouldn't be able to back away." part? I'm not sure it came across the way you intended...you do think that people should be able to stop something that's happening to them, if they no longer wish for it to happen, right?

@Sam: I'm curious, are there any stereotypes about vanillashaming people? Like at all? I don't think I ever heard any.
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