there likes me
notes from the
January 26, 2003
We are back on the air. Resistance Headquarters has been hopping with
activity since the book came out--something our staff is not exactly
accustomed to. One intern
jumped when the phone rang and backed away in horror. "What do I do,"
she implored. "What do I do????" Another staff member thought the UPS
guy was an Eagle Scout and tried to purchase
cookies from him. The mailroom guys started
making rounds with actual mail, instead of speeding through and popping
wheelies. And the entire crew thought the building was under attack
when the coffee machine percolated. One guy dove under his desk,
screaming, "Code Red! We have a Code Red!" So it's been hectic.
But we've settled down now and we're back on track. Back to being
a lean mean well-oiled machine. Resistance out.
Got to be good-looking
cuz you're so hard to see
Things to ponder:
· What do streakers do at a nudist colony, run by fully clothed?
· Did George Washington and Benjamin Franklin walk around saying,
"Dude, I am so money"?
· Do cows around the world view India as Cowtopia?
· Do antonyms persecute homonyms?
· Doesn't Emo sound like a Muppet character?
· How come every Tom, Dick, and Harry aren't named that?
· You think maybe crop circles spell out something vulgar in an alien language,
like "For a freaky tentaclejob call Zoltar"?
· Isn't it funny how when people say "Isn't it funny" it's not
funny at all?
· Did you know that whenever a car alarm goes off it
means an angel just got its wings clipped?
I can tell you how I feel
about you night and day
On love. They say it makes the world go round. Money can't buy
it. And it conquers all. They say all is fair in love and war. So make
love, not war. They say the
first one always has a special place in your heart. They say it's
better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. They
say love is blind. Love is colorblind. Love is a many-colored thing.
love, puppy love, platonic love, unrequited love, true love, unconditional love,
love at first sight, the love of your life, the one you want your mama
to meet, the one that got away... So we ride through the Tunnel of
Love. Make out at Lover's Lane. Say our vows at the Chapel of Love. Take
a cruise on the Loveboat and reserve the Honeymoon Suite. And
sometimes we gotta stay at the Heartbreak Hotel. But hey, love is
a battlefield. And I'm a soldier of love.
Are we gonna let de-
elevator bring us down?
On civilization. Long long ago some
ape-man must have looked at his life, his existence, his family,
his tribe, the world around him, and thought, "What the hell are we
all doing here?" Cuz all this business with being born and growing up
and procreating and surviving is, let's be honest, some pretty
strange shit. And inquisitive minds want to know
just where the heck it's all going. So the ape-man formed a committee
and announced that we're all gonna keep this existence thing going
until we figure it out, find out who's behind it all, and kick
his ass. He made some rules to ensure the survival of his peeples.
Don't hurt nobody. Don't kill nobody. Don't steal.
And don't smoke the funny grass. And if you violate these rules,
we will hurt you and kill you and steal your grass. It sounded like a good idea
at the time, and the same rules survive to this very day with few
You got me straight
Mar 9, 2003
The success of Tiger Woods in golf, Eminem in hip hop, and Yao Ming
in basketball will open the door for more stereotype-bending
figures. In the coming years, watch for:
· All black heavy metal band. Call them Blacksnake. Or Mos Def
Lepperd. Or just Black Sabbath.
· Amish porn stars. They build their own sets. They bake their
own bread. They plow their own hoes.
· Goth motivational speaker. "And now we summon the spirit of
our dark lord to infuse us with the morbid desire to succeed."
· Communist Investment Broker. You're in good hands, with
· Punk Politicians. Johnny Rotten runs for President.
Incites a riot when he moons Congress.
· Gay mafiosos. Their retro tommyguns are scented
with potpourri. Their fight sequences are tightly choreographed. And
when the action gets heavy they burst into flames.
Time isn't holding us
Time isn't after us
March 23, 2003
Through the ages man has lamented the ephemeral nature of life.
Everything dies, nothing lasts, all is subject to the ravaging force
of Time. So steeled by this, the great minds of history set out
in quest of the Undying, the Eternal, the Everlasting. They went
looking for the Elysian Fields, lap up the Elixir
of Life and bathe in the Fountain of Youth. Buddha called
it Nirvana. Christ called it Soul. Plato put it in the form of a
question and Shakepeare put it in rhyme. Ah, so innocent and naive
was man in its youth... For look what we have now: Elysian Fields all
gentrified with strip malls and multiplexes. The Elixir of Life comes in Tall, Grande,
The Fountain of Youth flows
with Botox. And the souls
of the departed go to Life Extensions...
Dance little sister,
Don't give up today
· Former 3rd Rock from the Sun star French Stewart changes his name to
Freedom Stewart. "It's my patriotic duty," says actor.
· Pro-neutral demonstrations get heated in Switzerland.
· U.S. Military orders 300,000 cans of whoop-ass. "There's
a war in every can!"
· Rodney King still wondering why we can't all just get along.
· Geraldo Rivera reveals location of the Bat Cave. Is immediately
banished from Gotham.
· "Operation: Iraqi Freedom" renamed "Operation: Who's Your Baghdaddy?"
· Latest Saddam video only available on Betamax. Is it
up to date? Experts weigh in.
· Geraldo Rivera reveals Colonel's Secret Recipe. Is banned from all
· "Axis of Evil" renamed "Bunch of Bastards."
· Geraldo Rivera goes into hiding. Then reveals his own
Betcha by golly wow!
More Wartime News:
· Saddam sighting in Yemen: Scraggly fat man wearing nothing but a military
beret seen bellowing, "A camel! My regime for a camel!"
· Bush denies reports that he hired psychic Miss Cleo to channel Alexander the Great. "I did
not have psychic relations with Aunt Jemima," said chief executive.
· Peace movement dumps 700 megatons of flowers and
olive branches over the Pentagon as part of "Soothe and Mollify"
· Fox News Network officially puts quotation marks around "News" and reporters will now
do the finger-quoting gestures when saying the word.
· U.S. sets deadline; gives Kim Jong Il two weeks to trim his
bouffant coif. Ever defiant, North Korean dictator switches to HerbalEssence for even more
body and volume.
My baby fits me
like a flesh tuxedo
Like Tiger Woods, I'm often criticized for not lending my voice to
social causes. Which is preposterous when you consider my volunteer
work with unwed mothers and nymphomaniacs. I've also
lobbied for a National No Work Month
the Casino-On-Wheels Program to bring gambling to every suburb in
the country. Yes. I have a vision for a better America.
And of course, The
Tatsuya Ishida Foundation works tirelessly to promote itself, no matter what the
cost. It is this type of dedication that really touches people.
The Foundation funds the
wild life preserve for spring breaking collegiates, aerospace research to land
the first manned aircraft on Uranus,
and the School For
The Extraordinarily Well Endowed, where buxom babes are trained to
get along with other women who fear and hate them. So you see, I'm out there making a
difference, giving back to the community. Cuz I'm all about the caring.
Do you love me now
that I can dance?
Dec 1999: After bingeing on Hostess Ho-Hos and Orange Bang Drink,
Tatsuya Ishida suffers a massive brainfreeze and gets amnesia.
Apr 2000: While touring with the Ringling Brothers,
Tatsuya is approached by a mysterious bald man in a wheelchair. "I can help you
remember your past," he says. So Tatsuya flies to lower Manhattan
to start his training as a mutant badass.
Sep 2001: At a Memphis rest stop Tatsuya is accosted by a mysterious bald man
named Morpheus. "I can show you the way," he says. So he joins him and starts his
training as a Kung Fu badass.
Jan 2002: After meeting with
a mysterious bearded man in a robe, Tatsuya flies to the Dagoba System to receive
his training as a Jedi badass.
May 2003: After completing his myriad training, Tatsuya suddenly remembers who he
is, and goes back home to become a cartoonist.
May 25, 2003
Movie Idea: Neo and John Connor join forces to fight the war against the
machines. After an intense rave/orgy, they make plans for the upcoming battle. At the
the Matrix and Skynet sign a multi-billion dollar merger, spelling certain doom
for the human resistance. After an intense rave/orgy, the corporate giants start
production on a new line of Arnold Agents and Smith-inators. Meanwhile, back at the
X-Mansion, Professor X uses Cerebro to notify all the mutants in the world about the
upcoming Mutant Rave-o-thon Celebration 2003. After much Kung Fu, car chases, and
explosions, everyone dies and meets
God, who turns out to be Jim Carrey. "Alllllrighty then,"
says God, flanked by a cadre of Charlie's Angels. "Let's get this party started."
And Neo's like, "God, why are you speaking
through your buttocks?"
We don't even care,
as restless as we are
JUNE 8, 2003
Individuals are microcosms of society. Emotions are like the masses--excitable,
diverse, fickle. The mind is like the ruling class, endlessly deliberating on how
to deal with its subjects. Some people are police states,
suppressing their emotions, punishing subversive elements,
their militant ideals goosestepping in place. Others are like monarchies,
full of pomp and ceremony, with royal heads of state presiding with
laissez faire nonchalance. There are those who
resemble anarchy, whose non-constitutions leave
them in a perpetual state of
chaos. Then there are the republics. Democratic souls with a system of
majority rule, representation for all, where all the body's impulses are given
a voice. But sometimes their emotions act like
confused Florida voters and end up botching the whole decision making
process. And of course, the potheads of the world represent a sort
of fuzzy blissed out utopia, a place we all like to visit every now
and then, but wouldn't want to get stranded there. Kinda like Amsterdam.
I'm only happy
when it rains
Whenever I play solitaire I play for world peace. Cuz otherwise it's a meaningless waste
of time and I hate to waste my time. So I up the stakes. Make it interesting.
Every move I make can be the difference between global harmony and nuclear annihilation.
The fate of all mankind hinges on whether I go with the seven of spades or the
jack of hearts. It's very intense. I sit there for hours sometimes planning my strategy.
meetings with imaginary generals and military advisors.
I take lengthy breaks to the patio, or, as I like to call it, Camp David. I can't tell you how many times
I've blown up the world. It really pisses me off. I mean, not to sound like Miss
America or nothing, but I'm all about the world peace. And when those cards fall into place
and I disarm all them nukes and establish the Pax Tatsuya and usher in the Golden Age of
Peace and Prosperity, I rejoice with all humanity and then move on to Minesweeper. Which,
of course, I play for the rain forests.
Godzilla ain't got
nothin' on me
On beauty. They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It's a matter of taste.
They say beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes way down to the bone. They say a picture
is worth a thousand words. And Helen of Troy launched a thousand ships. There are exotic
beauties. Hidden gems. Diamonds in the rough. The crown jewel. There are beauty queens.
Ugly ducklings. Acquired tastes. Late-bloomers. Classic beauties. There are looks that kill.
Looks to die for. Looks that turn heads and looks that stop traffic. But looks aren't
everything. You can't judge a book by its cover. Cuz the prettier the face the dumber the
head. But could be, they're more than just a pretty face. For beauty comes in all shapes
and forms. And it's what's on the inside that really matters. For a thing of beauty is a
joy forever. But remember: The star that
burns brightest burns briefest. And every rose has its thorn.
Godzilla ain't got
nothin' on me
On language. Language is a bridge to bring people together
but it can also be a barrier that keeps them apart.
Ivy Leaguers talk differently from gangstas. Gangstas
talk differently from computer geeks. Computer geeks talk
differently from jocks and so on and so forth. They each have their
own code and their members honor that code. But sooner or later
there emerges a diplomat from these diverse groups to
close the gap between each other. Maybe some hip hopper with a
passion for Chaucer and SAT words gets in good with the Yale crowd,
thus bringing the hood and academia a little closer together.
Or maybe a free-wheeling playa man macks with a devout social worker, thereby bridging the
great divide between Babylon and Church. It's all about mixing it up,
crossing over, and coming together. To open up and share with one
another the code we live by.
I hope you had the
time of your life
Resistance back on the air. I was putting the finishing touches on Book Two
when a platoon of stormtroopers raided my house, ransacked it, then drove me
to a secret base in Area 51. They asked me what secret messages were contained
Book Two. I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. And
they were like, Oh don't play dumb with me, Mr. Cartoonist Man. (They made
those quotation mark gestures with their fingers when they said "Cartoonist.")
So I went, Okay! Okay! I'll tell you everything.
I'm a secret agent of planet Kissmyass. I use my comic strip as a platform to
send coded messages to my
fellow Kissmyassians! Rawr! Viva le Resistance! And they were like, Aha! I knew it!
Alien scum! We got you now! So tell me, where's Planet Kissmyass? So I said to
them, About twelve parsecs from planet Blowyourself, in the Iprobedyourmomma
Galaxy. Decode that.
Holy! Holy! Holy!
Holy! Holy! Holy!
All I ever wanted in life was to be worshipped like a god,
live like a rock star, drive women wild, make a fortune, live
fast, die young,
conquer the universe, travel the world,
meet interesting people, solve
the Grand Unification Theory, find the Missing Link, fight the
good fight, live for the moment, seize each day, know what really
matters, end world hunger, cure cancer, change the world,
vanquish the dragon, save the princess, be super
popular but too cool to care, climb Mount Everest,
scale the Great Wall of China,
swim the seven seas, howl at the moon,
sound my barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world, tag up this earth with my street
name, run around with perfect conviction
that my life is the meaning of life, be master of my
own fate, embrace my destiny, feel as much as
I can feel, think as much as I can think, do as much as I can do,
get down, get up, dance to the beat of life on and on and when I'm
done let the people go, "Now that was a funky man."
Every little thing she
does is magic
December 15, 2003
And now for some words of wisdom:
· A Zen koan: Zen master said to his pupil, "I own you, bitch. Know that."
And the pupil was owned. And he knew it.
· The Tao of Tat: Do not seek your own advantage. That might prevent me from
gaining the upper hand.
· Confucius say: One day people from every race and culture will eat my food and bust open my cookie and read my Goddamn philosophy,
boyyyyyyyy! East side! Huh!
· Jedi proverb: Fun to put the predicate ahead of the
subject, it is.
· Famous Cat Aphorism: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. Meowwwwwww.
· Crazy people wisdom: Holy bong bong doogle my mixy! Worship my Bangkok,
peanut face! Scooby snack vroom!
· Your daily affirmation: I am the shiznit. I am off the hizzle. And
doggone it, people dig me!
We all want some
December 22, 2003
Have yourself a bitchin' little Chanukah
May your beats be phat
From now on your spirit will be where it's at, yo
Have yourself a kickin' little Kwanzaa
Load up on Courvoisier
From now on the haters will be miles away, oh ooh
Here we are in old school days
Buggin' out to old school jams, ah
Faithful peeps all up in here
Gather 'round as the music slams, ooh
Through the years we all still be tight
We'll make it good somehow
So shake it like a polaroid pictcha, ohh
(shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it)
And have yourself a rawkin' little Ramadan now
contents © copyright 2006 by Tatsuya Ishida/Museworks. No
duplication, reproduction, or reprinting of Sinfest strips and/or
related characters allowed without written permission from the