By Tatsuya Ishida |
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July 1, 2002
Don't go chasing waterfalls
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
They should do a National Geographic Animal Kingdom-type special on cartoonists. Have like Jane Goodall study them in their natural habitat. Imagine the log entries: |
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June 30, 2002
I got the brains, you got the looks
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
On business. The artist/business relationship has always been a stormy one. Michelangelo haggled with the church. Kubrick tangled with the studio. Prince locked horns with his label. Watterson battled his syndicate. It's tempting to romanticize the whole thing as integrity versus greed, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. It makes me smile when I think about Watterson telling the moneygrubbers to go blow themselves. I get a kick out of Prince taking on a giant conglomerate. And who knows, I may one day go a few rounds against big business myself. Maybe I'll change my name to a semi-colon or an asterisk or something. Oo, I know. A dollar sign! Won't that be rich? The Artist Now Known As Money battles corporate greed. Ha ha! |
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June 23, 2002
We don't need no thought control
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
On philosophy. As most of you know, I'm a very philosophical cat. I gets my think on, you know what I'm saying? I'm always contemplating shit. Deep shit. Like, if a tree fell in the forest and no one's around, does it make a sound? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? And just how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood? Now, call me crazy, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the woodchuck had something to do with that tree falling in the forest. And the chicken probably came first, cuz he's better trained, what with all that crossing the road he does. But don't feel bad for the egg; he gets laid more. Which goes to show you the cosmic balance and harmony of the universe. I'm off to my mountaintop to meditate. Ooommmmmmm... |
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June 16, 2002
Everybody's got a hungry heart
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Food for thought. They say the world is our oyster. Variety is the spice of life. And we live in the land of milk and honey. We got eye candy. Flavors of the month. Toast of the town. The coolest thing since sliced bread. The creme de la creme. All that and a bag of chips. And if life gives you a lemon, make lemonade. But what about the bad apples and the sour grapes and the raspberries and the tough nuts you can't crack? Life may be a banquet but it's no picnic, either. But hey, if you can't take the heat then get out of the kitchen. Cuz you can't have your cake and eat it too. There's no such thing as a free lunch. You gotta break a few eggs if you want to make an omelette, you know what I'm saying? So remember: You are what you eat. The proof is in the pudding, my friend. |
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June 9, 2002
Snap!
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
And now a look into the year 2090... |
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June 2, 2002
You shook me all night long
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
On sports. So I'm cheering my team on, whooping it up, chanting, praying, hexing opposing players, making voodoo dolls--you know, the usual fan stuff. Cuz it's a primal thing, sports. It's territorial. It's tribal. My city can kick your city's ass. It's like a person's religion and politics rolled into one, only crazier. A packed stadium is like the Colosseum in ancient Rome. A raucous arena is like Thunderdome. Of course, things were a bit more brutal back then, what with actual killing and all. Which naturally begs the question: What if ancient Rome had free agency? That might've leveled the playing field. Imagine the headlines: Perennial underdogs the Christian Martyrs signs prep school phenom Maximus the Gladiator. Makes blockbuster trade for all-star Praetorian Guard. Coach Paul says he feels confident about the next tournament. "We're gonna spank those Lions this time," says prophet. |
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May 26, 2002
Hail to he king, baby
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
So I'm listening to 80s golden oldies and I notice a lot of redundant names. Duran Duran. Mr. Mister. Talk Talk. Lisa Lisa. The Go-gos. Soul II Soul. Tom Tom Club. Oingo Boingo. Scritti Politti. Milli Vanilli. Bow Wow Wow. LL Cool J. ZZ Top. Perhaps the lethal combination of cocaine and hairspray caused the Me Generation to see double. Good thing they regained their focus or else we'd now be grooving to 'N Sync Sync and Destiny's Twins. Then in the 90s we got a bunch of food names: Smashing Pumpkins, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Phish, Korn, Cake, Pearl Jam, Mudhoney, Lemonheads, Blind Melon, Fiona Apple, Ice T, Ice Cube, Limp Bizkit, Eminem. Which is what happens when you smoke the ganja. You get the munchies and end up naming your band after whatever you scarf down. "Man, these pumpkin pies are smashing!" |
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May 19, 2002
Pour some sugar on me
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
What if someone else directed Star Wars? |
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May 12, 2002
Nobody walks in L.A.
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Some of my failed get-rich-quick schemes: |
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May 5, 2002
Who watches the Watchmen?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
What if someone else directed Spider-Man? |
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April 28, 2002
Do you believe in miracles?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Synopsis of my next bestseller T.I.: Episode II: Clone This! |
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April 21, 2002
You don't have to put on the red light
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
On Reality. Philosophers have puzzled over it. Scientists have studied it. Network executives market it. Reality. What is Reality? Like Morpheus said, "It's all around us." A neural-interactive simulation construct thingie designed to do whatever the hell it was designed to do. Me, I call it the ultimate buzzkill. I'd be grooving along all blissful and ignorant and happy as shit and BAM! Reality hits me like a thunderbolt. A reality check, they call it. A wake-up call. A kick in the ass. And it totally wrecks my buzz, man. But hey, I can dig it. Sometimes things go your way, other times you realize that evil robot machines are harvesting your energy supply. You win some, you lose some, you know what I'm saying? So bring it, Reality. Let's dance. |
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April 14, 2002
We are the all-singing all-dancing crap of the world
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Television shows currently in development: |
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April 7, 2002
The butter's gettin' hard and the Jell-O is jiggling
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Yes, the rumors are true. I was in fact a candidate for the coveted starring role on ABC's The Bachelor. I was right there in the final rounds of the selection process when the producers called me in for further questioning. They had dug up my rap sheet, my FBI file, my ties to every mafia/yakuza/triad organization in existence, my mutant healing powers and adamantium claws. The jig, as they say, was up. To their credit they were very diplomatic when they let me go. "Mr. Ishida," they said to me, "After careful review we have decided that you are a total freak. We recommend you try out for Fox's Celebrity Boxing. Best of luck to you. Bye bye now." Which is just as well. If I was the Bachelor I would've gone up to each babe and been like, "Say my name, you bag of poon! Say it!" Which, I suppose, is something America is not ready for. |
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March 24, 2002
You may already be a winner
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida
Scenes deleted from the Oscar telecast: |
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