By Tatsuya Ishida
HOME  |  ARCHIVE  |  FORUM  |  BOOKS  |  SEARCH
June 16, 2002
Everybody's got a hungry heart
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Food for thought. They say the world is our oyster. Variety is the spice of life. And we live in the land of milk and honey. We got eye candy. Flavors of the month. Toast of the town. The coolest thing since sliced bread. The creme de la creme. All that and a bag of chips. And if life gives you a lemon, make lemonade. But what about the bad apples and the sour grapes and the raspberries and the tough nuts you can't crack? Life may be a banquet but it's no picnic, either. But hey, if you can't take the heat then get out of the kitchen. Cuz you can't have your cake and eat it too. There's no such thing as a free lunch. You gotta break a few eggs if you want to make an omelette, you know what I'm saying? So remember: You are what you eat. The proof is in the pudding, my friend.
How'd you like them apples?

June 9, 2002
Snap!
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

And now a look into the year 2090...
Mars colonized by Starbucks and BMW. Establishes yuppie paradise.
Gallop poll reveals everyone has had their 15 minutes. Nothing left to live for. Global populace in doldrums.
Capitol Hill considers adding Bill Clinton to Mount Rushmore. Senate member dies laughing.
Dick Clark hosts Rockin' New Year's Eve for the last time. "I'm getting kind of old," says broadcast legend.
Polar ice caps melt, floods Scandinavia. Republicans concede global warming "may be real."
Construction of Disney Mecca plagued by suicide bombers from rival DreamWorks.
Martians attack Earth. Flying Beemers descend on metropolitan areas. Aliens appear wired.
Sony's popular line of cybernetic butlers malfunctions, terminates everyone named John Connor. The age of robots begins.
Uranus colonized by Playboy. Hef revived from frozen hibernation to "bless" planet with blonde triplets.

June 2, 2002
You shook me all night long
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

On sports. So I'm cheering my team on, whooping it up, chanting, praying, hexing opposing players, making voodoo dolls--you know, the usual fan stuff. Cuz it's a primal thing, sports. It's territorial. It's tribal. My city can kick your city's ass. It's like a person's religion and politics rolled into one, only crazier. A packed stadium is like the Colosseum in ancient Rome. A raucous arena is like Thunderdome. Of course, things were a bit more brutal back then, what with actual killing and all. Which naturally begs the question: What if ancient Rome had free agency? That might've leveled the playing field. Imagine the headlines: Perennial underdogs the Christian Martyrs signs prep school phenom Maximus the Gladiator. Makes blockbuster trade for all-star Praetorian Guard. Coach Paul says he feels confident about the next tournament. "We're gonna spank those Lions this time," says prophet.

May 26, 2002
Hail to he king, baby
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

So I'm listening to 80s golden oldies and I notice a lot of redundant names. Duran Duran. Mr. Mister. Talk Talk. Lisa Lisa. The Go-gos. Soul II Soul. Tom Tom Club. Oingo Boingo. Scritti Politti. Milli Vanilli. Bow Wow Wow. LL Cool J. ZZ Top. Perhaps the lethal combination of cocaine and hairspray caused the Me Generation to see double. Good thing they regained their focus or else we'd now be grooving to 'N Sync Sync and Destiny's Twins. Then in the 90s we got a bunch of food names: Smashing Pumpkins, Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Phish, Korn, Cake, Pearl Jam, Mudhoney, Lemonheads, Blind Melon, Fiona Apple, Ice T, Ice Cube, Limp Bizkit, Eminem. Which is what happens when you smoke the ganja. You get the munchies and end up naming your band after whatever you scarf down. "Man, these pumpkin pies are smashing!"

May 19, 2002
Pour some sugar on me
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

What if someone else directed Star Wars?
Stanley Kubrick. Galaxy overrun by juvenile delinquents. Vader renamed "Darth Hal."
Francis Ford Coppola. Emperor insists on being called "Godfather." Says the Jedi "sleeps with the fishes tonight."
Oliver Stone. The Supreme Chancellor is assassinated by fascist fanatic Lee Ozwaldo. Investigators uncover a massive plot involving another gunman in the "grassy Naboo."
Adrian Lyne. In a scorching 20 minute sex scene Anakin shows Padme his "Jedi love tricks." Later a spurned Padme boils Anakin's pet Ewok.
Spike Lee. When corrupt Imperial Troopers are exonerated, riots break out on the ghetto planet Kompton. To restore order the Jedi Council calls on the militant left wing group the Black Banthas.
M. Night Shyamalan. Young Padawan learner haunted by visions. "I see digital people."

May 12, 2002
Nobody walks in L.A.
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Some of my failed get-rich-quick schemes:
The Test Pattern Channel. Nothing but test patterns all day long. Advertiser interest low despite our monopoly of 18-35 year old insane acid freaks.
Capitalists Gone Wild. I taped a bunch of late night infomercials and thought I'd sell them under said title. Includes footage of me making the tapes. Wild!
The Imaginary Pet. Now this one is really cool. Comes with imaginary adoption papers, imaginary vaccination documents, and imaginary birth certificate. Problem was, all my customers were imaginary too.
Suckapalooza. Open mic karaoke world tour.
The Pro-matic Pronto-Wanker. I'm not sure what this thing is or what it's supposed to do, but it's very affordable and if you order now you'll also receive the versatile Multi-Purpose Wonder-Splooter.

May 5, 2002
Who watches the Watchmen?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

What if someone else directed Spider-Man?
James Cameron. Green Goblin renamed G-1000, given special morphing powers. Spider-Man keeps saying, "I'll be back." And Mary Jane keeps saying, "I'll never let go."
Tim Burton. Title changed to Edward Spider-Hands. Winona Ryder as a goth Gwen Stacy. Climactic battle: Angry mob wielding pitchforks and torches calls for Spidey's head.
Quentin Tarantino. Set in the 70s. Peter Parker bitten by a psychedelic spider loaded with LSD. Samuel Jackson as jive-talking "J.J." Jameson, editor in chief at the Daily Brother.
Martin Scorsese: "Flash, are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? You must be talking to me, cuz there's no one else around."
Woody Allen. Peter Parker consults a shrink. Says he dresses up in colorful outfits and likes to go "swinging."

April 28, 2002
Do you believe in miracles?
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Synopsis of my next bestseller T.I.: Episode II: Clone This!
Chapter I: The Fandom Menace. Tatsuya recalls memorable encounters with fans. "One time this girl asks me for an autograph and I blurt out, 'Gonna shake my magic marker! Ungh! Good God! Watch me dance now! (does a butt grind, hip thrust) Ha ha!'"
Chapter II: What is Matrimony? On the mysteries of love and relationships. "So she wants to cuddle and I'm like, 'Not now, baby.' And then she's all, 'Let's spoon.' 'Spoon???' I say incredulously. 'There is no spoon!'"
Chapter III: Can You Smell What The Tat Is Cooking? Actual recipes from The Bachelor Cooking Show: Banana Burritos! Delivery Pizza! Beer!
Chapter IV: This Moment Is So Much Bigger Than Me. Dedications and thank yous. "I'd like to thank God, my agent, the makers of Pocky... And to all my Padawan bitches out there: I loves ya! xoxo"

April 21, 2002
You don't have to put on the red light
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

On Reality. Philosophers have puzzled over it. Scientists have studied it. Network executives market it. Reality. What is Reality? Like Morpheus said, "It's all around us." A neural-interactive simulation construct thingie designed to do whatever the hell it was designed to do. Me, I call it the ultimate buzzkill. I'd be grooving along all blissful and ignorant and happy as shit and BAM! Reality hits me like a thunderbolt. A reality check, they call it. A wake-up call. A kick in the ass. And it totally wrecks my buzz, man. But hey, I can dig it. Sometimes things go your way, other times you realize that evil robot machines are harvesting your energy supply. You win some, you lose some, you know what I'm saying? So bring it, Reality. Let's dance.

April 14, 2002
We are the all-singing all-dancing crap of the world
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Television shows currently in development:
The Chair. Live from Texas, it's Must Kill TV. Actual televised executions! Hosted by President George W. Bush. Survive this, CBS!
That '90s Show. From the geniuses who brought you those other shows. Meet the Grungies, Seattle's favorite chain-smoking, anti-Establishment family. Brought to you by Flannel.
Martha Stewart After Dark. America's favorite homemaker gets down and dirty. Sample dialogue: "Yes. Right there. Oh yes. Watch the satin sheets. Oh. Oh. Oh. Careful with the drapes." The Humperdinks. VH-1's answer to MTV's smash hit The Osbournes. Join Engleburt and his wild and crazy family! Rock!
Iron Chef Baked. Guest host Woody Harrelson makes his "specialty" brownies.
Sex and the Amish Country. Meet the fabulous ladies of rural Pennsylvania and their scandalous lifestyle!

April 7, 2002
The butter's gettin' hard and the Jell-O is jiggling
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Yes, the rumors are true. I was in fact a candidate for the coveted starring role on ABC's The Bachelor. I was right there in the final rounds of the selection process when the producers called me in for further questioning. They had dug up my rap sheet, my FBI file, my ties to every mafia/yakuza/triad organization in existence, my mutant healing powers and adamantium claws. The jig, as they say, was up. To their credit they were very diplomatic when they let me go. "Mr. Ishida," they said to me, "After careful review we have decided that you are a total freak. We recommend you try out for Fox's Celebrity Boxing. Best of luck to you. Bye bye now." Which is just as well. If I was the Bachelor I would've gone up to each babe and been like, "Say my name, you bag of poon! Say it!" Which, I suppose, is something America is not ready for.

March 24, 2002
You may already be a winner
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

Scenes deleted from the Oscar telecast:
Interview of me talking about my favorite movie, Pimps up, Hos down.
Winona Ryder streaking the stage in a blatant attempt to steal the show.
The elf mosh pit that formed during Enya's musical performance.
Three Al Qaeda terrorists caught trying to sneak in as Cirque du Soleil performers.
Another interview of me talking about my other favorite movie, "Kung Pow."
Whoopi crowdsurfing during Denzel's acceptance speech.
The intense backstage dance-off between J.Lo and John Travolta.
Tom Green getting "creative" with Oscar statuettes.
Ron Howard dedicating his award to "all you crazy mofos out there!"

March 17, 2002
Schwing!
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

On imitation. "Imitation is suicide," wrote Emerson. And I totally agree. Ain't no point in biting someone else's style. You gotta find your own voice, do your own thing, dance to the beat of your own drum. Then again, modeling yourself after your hero is part of growing up. Take me, for instance. Back in my junior high school days I used to sport a bitchin' mullet afro like the guy in Hall and Oats. I also had a tremendous collection of pastel T-shirts with slogans like "Radical!" and "This Is Your Brain On Drugs." I had my L.A. Gear sneaks, my Sanyo boombox, my water resistant Swatch (with bendable Swatchguard), and I rocked out the to the musical stylings of Deep Purple. Obviously, I had it goin' on. But I'm past all that now--wiser, more mature, no longer swayed by such silly trends. I have my own unique style now. I got my cornrows, my tats, my ice. Cruising the west side in my suped up Kia. I just gotta be me, yo.

March 10, 2002
Talkin' 'bout my generation
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

They say honesty is the best policy. Happiness is the best revenge. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. And laughter is the best medicine. They say ignorance is bliss. Knowledge is power. Necessity is the mother of invention. And all the world is a stage. Or a banquet. Or an illusion. Or whatever you make of it. They say you can't fight City Hall. They say every man has his price. Money talks. Sex sells. Power corrupts. Truth hurts. Psychiatry kills. And Time heals all wounds. They say it's a dog-eat-dog world. The early bird gets the worm. The grass is always greener on the other side. And when I was your age I had to walk to school in the snow uphill both ways... So remember to stop and smell the roses. For today is the first day of the rest of your life. And don't you worry about what they say.

March 3, 2002
Free your mind and your ass will follow
Posted by Tatsuya Ishida

As most of you have probably heard by now, I have failed yet again to make Forbes magazine's Richest Billionaires List. Every year I run out to the newsstand to pick up that particular issue, and every year I walk away disappointed. I mean, it's just one minor technicality that keeps me off the list. Namely, the fact that I'm not a billionaire. It's just not right. I oughtta write the editor, demand they come up with an alternate list honoring the slummin'est slackers of the year. I'll be all over that list, boy. They could even launch a spinoff 'zine, Ghetto Forbes, to chronicle the success stories of the zero income bracket. The inaugural issue could feature Kato Kalin on the cover. Hot topics: "Pot: Is it for you?" "I'm a hobo and I'm proud." "Break-Even-Quick Schemes!" And of course, there'll be an annual Golddigger issue spotlighting all the lovely ladies of slackdom. It's a blockbuster, I'm telling you.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 Next


© COPYRIGHT 2000-2017 BY TATSUYA ISHIDA/MUSEWORKS. CONTACT
Powered by btPHP 1.3.2
page generated in 0.02294 seconds